Tuesday, March 28, 2017

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Intelligent People Have Fewer Friends, Here's Why...and Shania Twain On The Affair That Shattered Her Marriage, Wednesday April 12, Chol HaMoed trip  still on as well as Ruti trip on Thursday April 13--sign up now, details on  this Thursday

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Rabbi Yehuda Lave

Discouragement

Discouragement comes from one thing, and one thing only: thinking discouraging thoughts. Changing the content of one's thoughts changes the entire picture!

Discouragement often comes from one's limited self-image.

When you view yourself in a positive light and see what you've done as valuable and important, even though things didn't work out the way you were hoping, you still feel positive about the effort you put into doing something worthwhile. You know that effort is up to you; results are up to the Almighty. You realize that your own value and worth are constant, and then think about your new wisest course of action for now.

If you ever feel discouraged, you can say to yourself, "Right now I am feeling discouraged because of the thoughts that I am thinking. What are some wiser thoughts that I can think right now?"

Love Yehuda Lave

Two great Trips for Chol Hamoed Pesach First on Wednesday April 12 th with Shalom Pollock

We haven't finished the itenary yet on this trip, but I just need you to save the date.  We will stay close within 2 hours of Jerusalem so there won't be so much driving and we will see stuff you won't see on any other tour. It will be reasonably priced as well. I need you to trust me and confirm with me right away so you won't lose your spot on these two tours.  Email  and confirm with me so you don't miss out as soon as possible.

Best to email my personal email at AAmerican@gmail.com

Yehuda

Second Great Trip on Thursday April 13th With Ruti

DAY VISITING VITAL OUTPOSTS – CHOL HAMOED

PESACH, yud-zion Nisan – THURSDAY, APRIL 13, '17

 

Come, join us in what promises to be another unforgettable, very worthwhile, enjoyable & meaningful experience in the vitally strategic, gorgeous, Shomron mountains -- a full-day Pesach tiyul. By our very visit, we will be bringing chizuk & encouragement, at the same time as getting to know parts of our Precious Land.

This time our day will concentrate on bringing support to those families whose homes have been senselessly and cruelly destroyed by our evil, anti-Jewish establishment, in the context of its constant harassment of our wonderful people trying to live their lives in Yesha & with a pitiful IDF, bereft of all Jewish Halachic principles..

 

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE DAY:

  • 8:45 am departure from Binyanei HaUma
  • In both Ivrit & English
  • Meet some of the wonderful people who are holding on to our Precious Land
  • Bullet-proof bus with us throughout the day
  • Licensed tour guide with us all day
  • Bring your Pesach lunch & plenty to drink– to be eaten at some picturesque spot
  • Return time to Binyanei HaUma – 19:00

 

. Price : Only NIS 150. p/p Payment Options:

* Or, as a last resort: Cash on the bus (160 NIS, subject to space)

Scheduled to visit: (subject to change):

  • Amona
  • Ofra
  • Kfar Tapuach
  • Neve Tsuf - people's homes were burned by our enemies
  • Yitzhar
  • Itamar or Elon Moreh

NOTE: On the last "Pesach Ma'achazim Tour", the bus was completely full & I was forced to turn people away, so make sure your reservations are paid for now! Avoid being disappointed!

We all know how very precious & vital these Outposts (Ma'achazim) are to our beloved Land and what wonderful people populate them. I am continuing my endeavor to put a variety of them on our map for our awareness. We'll be learning more about each one of them, first-hand, meeting some of their marvelous inhabitants.

 

Beauty Queen returns to Torah observance

Beauty Queen returns to Torah observance
http://ch7.io/c4r6

Intelligent People Have Fewer Friends, Here's Why...

4,000 Years Old Mysterious Tomb with Rock Art Exposed in Upper Galilee

http://www.jewishpress.com/news/israel/4000-years-old-mysterious-tomb-with-rock-art-exposed-in-upper-galilee/2017/03/05/

Paraprosdokians:
 
First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them). 
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...

but it's still on my list.
 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 

  1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
    emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
     
    11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
     
    12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
     
    13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
     
    14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
     
    15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
     
    16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
     
    17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
     
    Sadly this is true!

 

Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer,

 

Let's be Happy while we're here!

 

Shania Twain - Don't! warning this video is romantic

Shania Twain Turns 50, Tours, Prepares New Album

Shania Twain - Medley (Live @ Superbowl XXXVII)

Shania Twain On The Affair That Shattered Her Marriage: 'Humiliating For Me'

Shania Twain & Oprah - Part 1 of 3

See you Tomorrow

Love Yehuda Lave

Rabbi Yehuda Lave

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Monday, March 27, 2017

Man in Arctic spends 20 years making musical instruments and Melanie Phillips in Jerusalem

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Rabbi Yehuda Lave

Reflect Back Love and Respect

Maintaining love and respect when our spouse doesn't talk to us the way we wish is difficult. Maintaining love and respect when we feel unloved or disrespected is exceedingly difficult.

We all want to be loved and respected. This is a basic and universal need. Responding to a lack of love and respect with anger, resentment, animosity, and hatred is likely to increase these qualities in the other person. This will then increase the probability that you'll be on the receiving end of more of what you don't want!

If, however, we can transcend ourselves and reflect sincere love and respect - even to someone who lacks these feelings towards us, we increase the chances of receiving what we do want. This wisdom is found in Proverbs 27:19: "As water reflects a face back to a face, so one's heart is reflected back by another."

What would you like to see reflected back to you when you look in a pond? A smile or a frown? It's your choice. Whatever you wish to see, that is the model of what you need to project. This is the secret of how to influence someone to feel more positive towards you.

Love Yehuda Lave

Melanie Phillips at the Hirsch theater last night

A man isolated himself in the Arctic for 20 years. What he reveals inside this cave is incredible.

Why I Support a One State Solution

Video tour of Jerusalem --What greater way to bring in the joyous month of Adar than with the single "Im Eshkachech" from the album, "Mayim Rabim"

    Listen Carefully

                                           By Rabbi Joshua Hoffman

  Among the special garments worn by the Kohen in his service in the beis Hamikdash was the me'il, described by some as a tunic-like garment, with bells on the bottom that created a sound as he walked by. The Torah tells us that through these bells he will be heard as he enters the holy (Shemos 28:35). One reason for this is because no one is allowed in the Ohel Moed when the kohen enters on Yom HaKippurim. The kohen, in his zeal for servicing G-d, was careful to avoid anyone coming to harm through it.   Rav Mordechai Gifter adds an additional element to the sound made by the bells. He says that the Kohen needed to have a sense of the importance of his presence at every moment that he moved, of every step that he took. Every time he moved, a sound was produced. No matter how low, it reminded him of who he was and what he was doing. As representative of Klal Yisroel, he needed to have that sense of purpose. By extension, others in their capacity as representatives of a community, should also strive to have a sense of the importance of all their actions with their every move.   In this regard, it is inspiring to remember the example of R' Aharon Soloveitchik zt"l. A debilitating stroke left him partially paralyzed, and he used to walk around using a quad cane, with difficulty, but also great determination. As he walked, people would hear him say with each step "achas; achas viachas", counting each step the way the Kohen Gadol counted each toss of blood during the temple service on Yom HaKippurim. R' Aharon viewed his role in Klal Yisroel in this way, and serves as an example for all of us.

Signs that give you pause to think

A Sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver reads:We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you 

A Sign on a blinds and curtain truck:"Blind man driving."

 A Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:   "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." 

In a Podiatrist's office:   "Time wounds all heels." 

On a Septic Tank Truck:"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place." 

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

 On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

 On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

 In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire,and will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." 

At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

 In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

 In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 At a Propane Filling Station:"Thank Heaven for little grills."

 In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."  

Saving the best for last…  Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Derek Ryan - Pick A Bale Of Cotton ( Official Video)



     

THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY

 

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.  

Colonoscopy Journal:  

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

 

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

 

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

 

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

 

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

&nb sp;

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

7 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

 

And the best one of all:  

 

13.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

A Magician hard to believe

See you tomorrow-Love Yehuda Lave

Rabbi Yehuda Lave

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