GOOD MORNING! "What is the shortest sentence in the English language? I am. What is the longest sentence? I do." "Marriage is like a deck of cards. It starts with two hearts and a diamond - and too often ends looking for a club and a spade." Did you ever wonder why there are so many "jokes" about marriage? There are jokes because the disharmony in marriage is ridiculous - that the relationship with the one person one chose to build a life of happiness and meaning has devolved into a source of pain, agony and distress. This week I would like to share how to relieve some of the stress in marriage by preventing arguments.
The first Rule of Marital Happiness: Don't argue. "It takes two to fight." If you don't argue back, if you answer in a soft voice ('A gentle answer turns away anger' - Proverbs 15:1), then you won't have fights. People think that they have to respond to invectives -often, either to defend themselves or as a psychological necessity to return hurt. It is important to keep focused on the goal - to stay happily married and build a life together. That was the goal when they got married and it should still be the goal. There are strategies to minimize fights and minimize the impact of the "slings of barbs and arrows."
2) TAKE IT TO THE BANK! Why do we respond to negative remarks from a spouse (or from anyone)? We feel that the insult diminishes us, cuts us down, makes us less. Piece by piece we are reduced to a pile of rubble - so we respond in defense of our existence, often with anger and our own accusations. What if someone would give you 10,000 dollars every time you were insulted? Imagine a thick stack of 100 dollar bills with a rubber band around them being placed into your safety deposit box with every insult. It certainly would take the sting out of the insults!
3) INSANITY! We marry someone because we love them, because we want to stay married to them, because we want to build a life together. Who should be the last person you insult on this earth? Your spouse! To insult your spouse is insane. Don't be insane! And if your spouse insults you, don't take it seriously.
How do you not take your spouse's insults seriously? Put it in perspective. For example, you are walking down the street past an Insane Asylum. Out walks a fellow in a patient's garb. He comes up to you and says, "You are the most inconsiderate, insensitive, self-centered human being God ever placed on this planet!" How do you feel? The normal reaction would be, "Gee. I hope he's not violent. Poor fellow. I wonder what he got committed for." If one's spouse lets loose a verbal barrage either s/he has a good point (then softly admit that you're wrong) or you are the recipient of an erroneous emotional outburst. View your spouse as experiencing a moment of temporary insanity (but don't share this with your spouse!) - and then you won't feel the pain or be drawn into a verbal brawl that you will regret. Here are some additional guidelines for happiness in marriage:
by Zelig Pliskin (author of Marriage)
- Be wise. Ask yourself: "What is wise to say or do now?" We all have wisdom stored in our brain. Access it.
- Practice the art of appreciation and gratitude mentally (think it) and verbally (say it).
- Practice the art of being kind with words and actions. "What is the kind thing to say or do now?"
- Practice the art of being understanding and compassionate. Ask: "What does my spouse need right now?"
- Practice the art of identifying your spouse with his or her positive ways of being.
- Practice the art of giving positive feedback. Comment on the good and positive.
- Practice the art of asking for what you want in a way you both will feel good about.
- Practice the art of being in a good mood or positive state as often as possible, and of being mutually respectful even if you aren't in a good mood right now.
- Practice the art of not saying what is wise not to say.
- Practice the art of learning from everyone you can how to keep upgrading what you say and do.
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