The 25 Funniest Jewish Comedians in History and Meet the Jewish travel blogger who soon will have visited every country and Final Thoughts: Democrats Delete G-d and today is a special blessing for your income and health
Yehuda Lave is an author, journalist, psychologist, rabbi, spiritual teacher and coach, with degrees in business, psychology and Jewish Law. He works with people from all walks of life and helps them in their search for greater happiness, meaning, business advice on saving money, and spiritual engagement
In this week's Torah portion (read this coming Saturday in the Synagogue) we learn about the Splitting of the Red Sea and the falling of the "Manna" which the Jews ate in the desert for forty years. As a result today there is a special prayer to be said for our income and health. While I am a rationalist Jew and don't go into for a lot these types of traditions, as they say, "it couldn't hurt!"
Love Yehuda Lave
Two old friends met each other on the street one day. One looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What has the world done to you, my old friend?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you: three weeks ago, my uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
I am sorry for your loss, but that's a lot of money."
But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died and left me eighty-five thousand dollars." His friend replied, "Sounds to me that you've been very blessed."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million from her." Now the man's friend was really confused. "Then, why do you look so glum?"
today is a special blessing for your income and health
Once a Year: Don't Miss This Special Segulah for Livelihood
on Tuesday of Parshat Beshalach the Chapter of the "Mahn" should be said
In the Name of the Holy Rabbi Mendel of Riminov it was said that it is a special segulah (spiritual omen) to say the chapter of the 'mahn' twice and translated once on the Tuesday of the week we read Beshalach in that Shabbat.
Why? What is so special about the chapter about the mahn?
1. In the Sefer Hayashar the "Book of the Straight" from Rabbenu Tam it is written that: "The main trait of all good traits is faith and trust, to believe with complete faith that the Creator blessed be He, is the leader and watches over everyone and provides each individual what he lacks. And that a person cannot even touch a hair breath of what is prepared for his friend.
Through this he will come to trust as his heart will be sure and secure with G-d that all that is prepared for him from G-d will get to him without any extra effort and he won't spend his days with worries and vanities trying to amass wealth for he believes and has faith that he has no ability of his own rather what is budgeted for him from the heavens that is what he will have – no more and no less."
2. Rabbeinu Bachya explains why G-d made the mahn fall at night. "And they would awaken in the morning and find their food ready with no effort in order to teach them that one who goes in G-d's path will find his sustenance without toil and effort."
3. This is why it is brought down in the Shulchan Aruch (code of laws) 1,5, that it's good to say the chapter of the akeda- Binding every morning and the chapter of the mahn. The Rabbeinu Bachya adds that whoever says the Chapter of the Mahn every day is guaranteed never to lack sustenance. The Tashbatz says in the name of the Jerusalem Talmud that whoever says the chapter of the mahn daily will never lack for sustenance and he adds "I guarantee this". This is because a person will always know where to turn when lacking livelihood.
4.The Taz explains that "This is in order that a person believe all his sustenance comes providentially from on High."
5.The Mishna Berurah adds: "This teaches us that more effort doesn't help. Just as 'the one who added mahn more than his portion didn't have more' and 'the one who took less didn't have less' everyone had an omer per head as ordained from heaven. From this man should learn that more effort for livelihood add more income and food and the opposite, less effort won't diminish his income and livelihood and G-d will fill in what he lacks according to what was decreed."
6. The opposite is also true. Whoever lacks faith in G-d will diminish his blessing and livelihood. The Chiddushei HaRim explains that G-d commanded a jar of mahn be preserved for future generations for all to see that G-d provides endlessly for the ones who fear Him. Those who chase after their livelihood with worry and fear that they'll lack bread and have no faith in G-d blessed be He who truly watches over all and provides for all of his creations without any stop at all, they cause harm to their blessing sent from above and, so to speak, weaken G-d's ability to bestow good on them and bring about lack upon themselves."
7. There is a custom to bring food to the birds before this Shabbat. Rabbi Elimelech Biderman explains that the source of this is that: "Birds approaching their food bend their heads down and take the food and immediately lift their heads upwards and the repeat this cycle as they eat; down and up. This teaches us that one should expend some effort for livelihood but remember to immediately lift up your head and hope to G-d for He is the one who will provide you with your livelihood."
8. We said before in the Name of the Holy Rabbi Mendel of Riminov that it is a special segulah to say the chapter of the 'mahn' twice and translated once on the Tuesday of the week we read Beshalach that Shabbat.
25 Funniest Jewish Comedians in History by Mark Miller
Celebrating the rich variety of Jewish humor.
In 1978, Time magazine claimed that 80 percent of all stand-up comedians in the United States were Jewish. And this at a time when Jews made up only 3% of the U.S. By way of explanation, psychologist Samuel Janus told a meeting of the American Psychological Association that, "Jewish humor is born of depression and alienation from the general culture. For Jewish comedians, comedy is a defense mechanism to ward off the aggression and hostility of others." Or as Mel Brooks put it: "If they're laughing, how can they bludgeon you to death?"
Freud's "Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious," which was published in 1905, drew almost exclusively on Jewish stories, because, he maintained, they were the funniest and the most interesting. Salcia Landmann, a scholar of Yiddish, argued that Jewish humor is "more acute, more profound and richer in expression than that of any other people."
A 2013 survey from the Pew Research Center, "Portrait of Jewish Americans," found that humor is one of the main qualities that four in 10 of the nation's 5.3 million religious and cultural Jews say is essential to their Jewish identity.
All this comedic examination brings to mind E.B. White's wonderful quote, "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it." Therefore, let us instead celebrate the rich variety of Jewish humor from 25 of the funniest Jewish comedians in history. And for the love of God, let the poor frog live!
"We've come from the same history – 2000 years of persecution – we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained; we just never thought of putting it to music."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are."
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money, watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"Well it just goes to show you, it's always something, you either got a toenail in your hamburger or toilet paper clinging to your shoe." (as Roseanne Roseannadanna on SNL)
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
"Room service is great. If you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich."
"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius."
"My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine."
"When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you'."
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
"I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters."
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
"I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."
"I was in the De Witt Clinton High School marching band. One of the worst bands ever formed. When we played the national anthem, people from every country stood – except Americans."
Nichols & May
"No doubt you are as alarmed as I by the tragic decline in America's language skills. If 10 people read the following sentence: 'Two tanker trucks have just overturned in Alaska, spilling a total of 10,000 gallons of beer onto a highway,' two would find an error in subject-verb agreement, two would find an error in spelling, and six would find a sponge and drive north."
"Okay, now be quiet, I will pay $1000 to any woman that will beat me in this ring. I will not only do that, I will shave my head completely bald if I am beaten here. And any woman that will beat me has an extra prize she will get to marry me. Right here. She will take my hand in marriage. I will offer my hand in marriage if she beats me right here."
"If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, 'This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?' And eventually he dies of thirst."
"Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not."
"I am lazy, but for some reason, I am so paranoid that I end up working hard."
The magazine of the authentic Jewish Idea May-June 1989 Iyar-Sivan 5749
The magazine of the authentic Jewish Idea May-June 1989 Iyar-Sivan 5749Israel – There Are No Moderates (excerpts) "Moderates." "Moderates." There are no Arab moderates. There are only clever Arabs and stupid ones. The stupid ones say exactly what they mean: eliminate Israel. The clever ones (and more and more are becoming so) mean exactly the same thing but they are clever.
After defeats in four wars and numerous clashes, they have learned the secret: "say nice, moderate things to guilt-ridden Jews, and they will love you. They will throw money at you. And the Sinai. And hopefully, the "occupied lands"… There are no Arab moderates. And one salutes in awe the ability of Arafat [today it is Abbas} the arch-murderer, to persuade the Jews of lemmingism of his "change of heart," of his "moderation." He must surely be a candidate for the Nobel Prize for not laughing, for not rolling on the floor in hysteria. He has renounced "terrorism?" Of course, but he firmly maintains that to attack the Zionists who "occupy his country" is not terrorism, but rather a war of national liberation. He accepts UN resolutions 242 and 338? To be sure, but within the context of all the UN resolutions on "Palestine," including resolution 181, the one that the "poor Palestinians" rejected in 1947, the one that originally established a Jewish State. Today, Arafat accepts it. He is good. Having been humiliated militarily he accepts it, knowing that it would bring the Jews back to the boundaries of 1947. He accepts all the UN resolutions, including the ones calling for Israel to allow the "refugees" to return to their homes in Israel if they desire to. All the "refugees" who were part of the "poor Palestinians" who attempted to wipe out Israel in 1948. Today, thanks to the 40 years of birth, there are more than two million of them.
He has recognized the existence of Israel. True. Much in the same way that we all recognize the existence of earthquakes, disease, and roaches. Of course, we recognize them, because they exist. We recognize their existence in order to put an end to their existence. So too with Arafat. He recognizes Israeli existence… Arafat; the PLO; the "Palestinians:" the Arab states. Models of deceit and deception, paragons of duplicity and perfidy. Hands of blood and tongues of pretense. They plan new a Holocaust as they speak peace. No, there are no Arab "moderates." They are liars who cannot live together with themselves, let alone Israel. They all believe that the Jewish State of Israel is a bandit, settler state, that has stolen "Palestine" from them. And because of that, and with deep sadness, one knows that there will be no peace. And let none of the comfortable denizens of Peace Now in Beverly Hills or the woodpeckers of Hollywood or the pompous pulpiteers of Reform liberal temples screech in indignation. Kahane does not want peace! Kahane does not want peace? Where do I live and where do they live? I, who live in Israel and serve in its army and whose children serve in the army, desire peace a great deal more than the shallow liberals and leftists of Peace Now and those paragons of Reform shallowness, Alexander Schindler and Balfour Brickner, who regularly trumpet declarations of suicide through Peace. There will be no peace because the "poor Palestinians" do not wish peace. They wish "Palestine". All of it. And that includes Israel. So let us not delude ourselves and let us not believe in delusions. The great Rebbe of Kutzk once said: "It is a sin to deceive one's neighbor. It is a crime to deceive oneself." Wishing peace, yearning for peace does not mandate committing suicide for peace. And for all those who cry that Israel has been fighting for 40 years, let it be stated flatly that the Jewish people have been fighting for 4,000 years and had our forefathers been as depressed as some of their present-day children, we would have been long since gone as a people. Cease the weeping and wailing! We have a state of our own and it can be a glorious one and let us give thanks to the Almighty for it. And let us understand clearly that a state is not given on a silver platter; neither is it won by writing a check. A state is a precious thing that is won by sacrifice and blood, and if there are those who are not prepared for this, let them walk away and leave it to those who are – unafraid, who have both faith in G-d and the willingness to climb the ramparts in battle. We are weary? We are weary of having to serve in the army each year to defend our state? How much would a Jew in Auschwitz have given for the opportunity to see a Jewish army, a Jewish tank, a Jewish plane – and with what joy he would have agreed to serve each year in a Jewish army of a Jewish State, created so as to help guarantee that never again will there be an Auschwitz for its Jewish citizens! Peace? Of course, we want peace. Who does not want peace? It is not the monopoly of the guilt-ridden and self-hating hypocrites, the artists and intellectuals (sic) of the left. We all wish peace; we all fervently pray for peace. We all look for the day when the nations shall beat their swords into plowshares. But, meanwhile, as they continue to have swords with which to destroy us, let us not be so mad as to wave plowshares. Give up land. For "peace" that the "poor Palestinian" is prepared to grant us? The ultimate peace of the dead? Are we mad? The ones who launched four wars of aggression against Israel and lost for wars of aggression, dictate terms to us? The ones who launched four wars of aggression and a thousand terrorist attacks, who slew thousands of Jews, and who lost – now present us with demands? They insist that we, who won, give up land? Let the Arab aggressors and murderers learn a very basic rule of life: Losers lose. Winners win. Losers and especially losers who launched wars of murderous aggression, do not dictate terms. Aggression is not a game in which one attempts to wipe out innocent people, loses and then returns to "Go". No, aggression is a gamble and if the aggressor loses – let him know the full bitterness of his reality – that he has lost. Then, perhaps, he will think deeply and carefully before embarking on another adventure. For let the "poor Palestinian" know in every fiber of his body, that he had best leave well enough alone. Let him accept a peace that will see him establish a state of his own in Jordan, if he can do it. For should he be so foolish as to begin another murderous war of aggression, let him be certain that that which he still possesses in Jordan will be ours too. Land for peace? By all means. The Jews who were the victims of countless efforts to destroy them and who are the rightful owners, will keep the land and be prepared to graciously give the murderous Arabs, peace. And above all, no guilt! What causes a Jewish people that has suffered thousands of dead and tens of thousands of wounded and maimed at the hands of the Arabs, fail to understand that they are a cruel and implacable enemy, bent on destroying Israel and decimating the Jews? What causes Jews who see the brutality and treachery and viciousness with which Arabs massacre each other, refuse to see what our fate would be if we would be so mad as to give them the slightest opportunity to do to us what they dream to do to us? Above all, what makes a Jewish people that have only one land and has returned to that land, to feel guilty over it and to accept the myth of a "Palestine" and a "Palestinian people?" There is no Palestinian people and there is no Palestine! There is not, there never was, and please G-d there will never be.