| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE JUDGE JOKES OF THE WEEK Judge: "Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato." Lady's husband: "Your honor, don't forget she also stole a can of peas." At the height of the Israeli political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." What does a judge have in his lemonade? Just ice A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!! The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years. Problem solved. What did the judge say to the constipated lawyer? Motion denied…. OYYY A California state trooper pulls over a car and walks over to the driver. "Today's your lucky day." he says. "We have a program to promote seatbelt use. I pulled you over because you were wearing your seatbelt. You will receive a reward of $5,000. So, what are you going to do with the money? The man thinks for a moment and answers, "I think the first thing I will do is go out and get a drivers license." His wife in the front passenger seat screams out, "Oh for goodness sake, officer don't listen to him, he always talks nonsense when he's drunk." The commotion wakes up their friend in the back seat. He sees the officer and screams to the couple, "I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." And then there is a banging from the trunk followed by a voice, "Ay amigos, did we cross the border yet? " Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 Mario: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Mario: No itsa not. A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!! A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times." LOVE THIS ONE!! A man in rural Arkansas is brought before a judge for his preliminary hearing. "What is the charge, counsel?" The judge asks. "Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives." "You idiot," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."
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