| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE JEWISH SOLDIER JOKES OF THE WEEK A general asks a Dudi his new recruit in the army . "Young soldier, what will you do if you see 20 soldiers coming to attack you? Dudi answered "that I would take an Uzi and shoot them". The general asks him what if a tank is coming to kill you? I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself replied the young soldier. The general asks him what if you see tanks, terrorists and planes together? The soldier says, general, am I the only one in the army? Berel, Yankel and Moishe are about to be executed by firing squad. The sergeant in charge asks each one whether he wants a blindfold. "Yes," says Berel, in a resigned tone. "OK," says Yankel, in a quiet voice. "And what about you?" he enquires of Moishe. "No," he says, "I don't want your lousy blindfold," followed by a few choice curses. Yankel immediately leans over to him and whispers: "Listen, Moshe, take a blindfold. Don't make trouble." The commanding officer at the Russian military academy gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions. An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative. Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied, "All indications point to China ." Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?" The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious." After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews???" During the Six-Day War, the enemies of Israel identified a hill of great strategic importance, and when they realized it was guarded by a lone Israeli soldier, they sent in a platoon to attack immediately. Thirty minutes later, the whole platoon had been captured by the lone Israeli. As they were being led away, their lieutenant remarked, "I gotta admit, you Israelis are tough." "You think I'm tough? You should meet my husband!" Deep in the desert. Mehmet, an Arab fighter (or militant, if you will) chases an Israeli soldier, let's call him Moshe, with an AK47 gun. Mehmet closes on Moshe and starts firing at him but misses. The chase continues through the desert, there's quite a lot of firing from Mehmet and quite a lot of bullet dodging from Moshe. At one point Mehmet's gun refuses to fire - Mehmet's out of ammunition. Moshe hears the clicking of the empty gun, turns triumphantly to Mehmet and says: "Out of bullets, huh? Wanna buy some?" Rabbi Landau was, as usual, standing near the shul exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!" "But I'm already in God's Army, Rabbi," said Max. "So how come I don't see in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" said Rabbi Landau. Max whispered, "I'm in the secret service." Berel was a new oleh who just enlisted in the army and after a few weeks was feeling kind of homesick and asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!" | 
