| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S FUNNY SNAKE JOKES OF THE WEEK What do you call a snake who works for the government? A civil serpent. What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes. What is a baby snake's favorite toy? A rattle. What's the best unit of measurement of snakes? Inches, as they don't have any feet. A sheep, a drum and a snake all fell over. Baaa Dum Tsss..! Why don't snakes drink coffee? Because it makes them viperactive. What do you call a Mexican snake? Hisssspanic. Why can't Israeli snakes talk? They don't have hands. What do you call a snake that builds things? A boa constructor. Who is a snake's favorite author? William Snakespeare. A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, "How did you do that?" What do you call a funny snake? Hissssssterical. What do married snakes have on their bath towels? Hiss and Hers. Why are snakes hard to fool? They have no legs to pull. What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane? A Boeing constrictor. What did the Mommy snake give to her baby before she went to sleep? A goodnight hiss. What do you call an important English snake? Sir Pent. What is a snake's favorite TV show? Monty Python. What do snakes use to clean their car windows? Windshield vipers. What do you call a snake that bakes? A pie-thon. I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died. I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?" She said, "Just give it to him straight." A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader looks at it and says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys." Chaim Yankel, a famer in the famed city of Chelm, went to an insurance agency to try and buy a policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?" "Nope," replied the Chaim Yankel. "Last summer, a horse kicked me and broke a few of my ribs, and the year before that, a snake bit me on the ankle." "Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent. "No," Chaim Yankel replied. "They did it on purpose!" If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the fruit! Once, there was a snake named Nathan. All of his friends, however, called him Nate. One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road. On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, "Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!" As Nate sat there, in the middle of the road, pondering the urgency created by using three exclamation points on the sign, there came a car speeding down the road. At the wheel of the car was a little old lady, and next to her, in the passenger seat, sat her old lady friend. The driver was speeding, and could barely see over the steering wheel. So, there Nate sat, pondering the sign. And onward drove the old ladies, speeding down the road toward Nate and this world-ending lever in the middle of the road. Much too late, the old lady saw the snake, and saw the lever with the sign on it. She had only a split second to make her choice: Would she hit the snake, or would she end the world? At the last second, she swerved, and hit the snake, killing him. She turned to her old lady friend, whose mouth was agape at what had just happened. The driver just shrugged. "Well, better Nate than Lever. | 
