| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S BUBBY JOKES OF THE WEEK 10. Lessons Your Bubbie Taught You If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. If you don't eat, it will kill me. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. Always whisper the names of diseases. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. Why spoil a good meal with a big tip? Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through the Kiddush. No one leaves a Simcha hungry; but then no one leaves with a hangover. And what's so wrong with dry turkey? A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? Little Shmuli and the Marcus family were invited to their grandparents for Friday night dinner. Everyone was seated around the table and Zadie Marcus was getting ready to recite Kiddush. Just then, Shmuli reached for the challah and appetizers on the table and began eating. "Shmuli, wait until Zadie says kiddush and hamotzi!" demanded his father. "I don't have to," the five year old replied. "Of course you do, Shmuli," his mother insisted forcefully. "We always wait until after kiddush and hamotzi at our house." "That's at our house," Shmuli explained, "but this is Bubbie's house, and she knows how to cook." Rivky Adler went to spend a few weeks with her Bubbie Miriam. They had a lot of time together so Bubbie Miriam decided to teach Rivky how to sew. After the first day, having gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, Rivky stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "Bubbie, you mean you can do all that, but you can't figure out how to use an iPhone?" Sarah just gave birth to a newborn baby boy and her mother had to drive her to a doctor's appointment, so her grandmother, Bubbie Miriam, was tasked to take care of the baby. As soon as Sarah left for her doctor's appointment, Miriam called her friends to come over. "Can we see the baby?" they asked. "Not yet," said Bubbie Miriam. Fifteen minutes later, they asked again. "Can we see the baby?" "Not yet," said Bubbie Miriam. Another quarter of an hour later, they asked again: "Can we see the baby?" "Not yet," answered Bubbie Miriam. The ladies were growing impatient. "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When it cries." "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" "Because I forgot where I put it." As the bus pulled away, Bubbie Shwartzbaum realized that she had left her purse under the seat. Frantic, she called the bus company and was relieved to hear later that the driver found her bag. When she returned to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One man handed Bubbie her purse, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of her purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." As Bubbbie started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it." Little Bubbie Bayla Bernstein seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Niagara Falls yet?" "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, Bubbie Bayla kept asking for Niagara Falls, and finally the town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady." "Is this Niagara Falls?" "YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!" "Oh, I'm going all the way to Toronto," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my medication." Shirley and Sadie, two elderly ladies in a senior's residence in Miami were enjoying the sunshine on a bench outside their residence. This was their daily ritual on every sunny day for the past 9 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day Shirley turned to Sadie and said, "Please don't be angry with me, bubbaleh, but I am embarrassed after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." Sadie stared at her, looking very distressed, said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How soon do you have to know?" Four bubbies in Miami are playing cards. The first sighs and says "Oy!" The second in a pained voice responds, "Oy vey!" The third wails "Oy vey iz mir!" And then the fourth one replies, "I thought we agreed not to talk about the children!" | 
