RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE ELECTION JOKES OF THE WEEK I really wanted to vote for Gimmel. I even went down to the ballots. I took their voter slip and then when it came time to put it in the voter box. I found that it was -as you said to me when I tried to get my daughter in your school… Too full and not enough room… Israeli elections are kind of like Ikea. You choose what you like, but then realize you don't know how to put it together. So you then call the Arab to help you put it up. The Arabs are claiming that they didn't steal the elections. They paid every Shekel for each vote they had promised. The Arabs are demanding new elections immediately. They're claiming they used up all their free gas coupons they received. If you told a Jew a few hundred years ago that a Jew would be able to vote for their own candidate in an election to establish a government in our country, they would find it very hard to believe. If however you told them that we had those elections every few months because the candidates couldn’t’ get along with one another and would constantly topple the government they would then find it much easier to swallow it. We really have to do something about the relationship between the government and it’s criminals and prisoners. It just doesn’t seem fair that there are only 120 seats in the Knesset for them to receive an office and position. We ask you please don’t reveal the results of the election to the Meretz party. Their families have not yet been informed… So an Ashkenazi man dies and comes up to heaven and as he enters Gan Eden he sees that the entire garden is filled with smells of Matbucha and kibbeh and he realizes that he is entirely surrounded by Sefardim. When he asks the angel why there are only Sefardim here, the angel explained that they were all Shas voters and Maran had promised them Olam Habah if they vote for his party. “But then why are there some Ashkenazim, sitting there in the corner” he asked. “Oh those” the angel said “They were part of the heskem odafim (the extra votes agreement”) that Shas had with Gimmel. The way things work after the elections. The new mayor of the city decided that it was time to fulfill his election promise to build a new bridge for the city. He went to the local Arab contractor, Achmed, and asked for a quote and was told it would cost 120 million shekel. When asked what the breakdown Achmed explained-“40 million for material, 40 million for workers and 40 million profit” He then went to the Boris the Russian contractor and asked him how much it would cost and he was told it would be 240 million shekel. When asked to explain Boris said that it was “80 million for material, 80 million for workers and 80 million profit” Finally, to make it fair he went over to the Jewish contractor and was quite shocked when they guy told him that it would be 400 million shekel. By far this was the most expensive quote. When asked to explain Dudu said “It’s very simple. 140 million for you, 140 million for me and 120 million to the Achmed the Arab that will do the work for us.” Needless to say he got the contract…
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