Today, be resolved to keep developing patience, creativity, emotional independence, confidence, courage, humor, serene empowerment, calm persistence, self-mastery, unconditional love and compassion.
Love Yehuda Lave
Tomorrow on Wednesday I send from my other mailer service. Please let me know if you don't get an email.
Those fabulous Jewish Comedians you may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene , Red Buttons , Totie Fields , Joey Bishop , Milton Berle , Jan Murray , Danny Kaye , Henny Youngman , Buddy Hackett , Sid Caesar , Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason , Woody Allen , Lenny Bruce , George Burns , Allan Sherman , Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner , Shelley Berman , Gene Wilder, George Jessel , Alan King, Mel Brooks , Phil Silvers , Jack Carter , Rodney Dangerfield , Don Rickles , Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein And so many others.
There was not one single swear word in their comedy. (ha!)
Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now .
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
*A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
*Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
Memories of the good ole days .
Speaking of Comedians,
Jerry Seinfeld loves aging and his reasons will crack you up-from his trip last week to Tel Aviv
I don't know another nation on earth which since its founding, less than seventy years ago, had to sacrifice 23,000 soldiers.
I don't know another nation on earth without recognized borders.
I don't know another nation on earth whose population lives under a perpetual emotional strain.
I don't know another nation on earth threatened to be wiped off the map.
I don't know another nation on earth so threatened by boycotts all over the world.
I don't know another nation on earth where winners tend to lose wars.
I don't know another nation on earth which provides its own enemy with water, electricity, food, weapons, and medical treatment.
I don't know another nation on earth where guests on official visits utter disrespectful and offensive words.
But I also don't know another nation on earth which has recorded so many miracles. Imagine a helpless, naked Jew at the gas ovens facing a Nazi official, who thinks he will get rid of the "Jewish cancer", get rid of this unique phenomenon of 2,000 years.
Could that helpless, naked Jew imagine that in 50 years other Jews will be flying F-16's in the skies over Israel ?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel's population today would be nine times that of 1948, the year of the state's creation?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is much happier than all the European countries?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel has the highest production of scientific publications per capita in the world?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel has the highest worldwide publication of new books?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is the only nation which began the XXI century with a net gain in the number of trees (despite the many arsons committed by Palestinians, JL ) ?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel has the largest number of chess grandmasters per capita of any city in the world?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is the nation whose academics produce more scientific papers per capita than anywhere else in the world?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is the nation with the highest ratio of university degrees to the population in the world?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is the country which, in proportion to its population, with the largest number of startup companies in the world?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is the country with the highest percentage in the world of home computers per capita?
Could that helpless Jew imagine that Israel is the nation with the largest immigrant-absorbing model on earth?
Unfortunately, you will not find Israel 's goodness and superiority in the media (also Israeli), because it doesn't fit in with the stereotype of the
colonialist Zionist occupier.
In the world's consciousness, the word " Israel " must be equated with fear.
Israel just came out of another war against terrorists whose value is less than that of animals. Do you know of any animal species sheltering behind its own children?
But the Jewish State, despite its media, its cynical politicians, establishment, once again showed the world it is the best humanity has to offer.
This hope is impressed in the faces of Israel 's fallen soldiers, its wounded and injured soldiers. In those faces there is joy de vivre, not despair.
Terrorists and their Western appeasers want to destroy Israel because it is a light unto the nations.