What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A.Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind ofmotor vehicles are in the Bible? A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson He brought the house down.
Q What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
How Jews got their names DON'T MISS THE YIDDISH POEM AT THE END. Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Jews did not get surnames In Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century. Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon, Russia, Poland,and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes.
After Napoleon's defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned to "son of" names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON, etc.
During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to Take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last names in the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It's probable that some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less.
In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the 16th century. Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back centuries.Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews. They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left For America.
The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.
In general there were Five types of names (people had to pay for their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):
1-- Names that were descriptive of the head of household: Examples: HOCH (tall) , KLEIN (small), COHEN (descendant of Aaron on the male line), BURGER (village dweller), SHEIN (good looking), LEVI (Levite), GROSS (large), SCHWARTZ (dark or black), WEISS (white), KURTZ (short) GROSSBARD (big beard) GELBART (yellow beard)
Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers: Woody Allen --- Alan Stewart Koenigsberg June Allyson --- Ella Geisman Lauren Bacall --- Betty Joan Perske Jack Benny --- Benjamin Kubelsky Irving Berlin --- Israel Baline Milton Berle --- Milton Berlinger Joey Bishop ---Joseph Gottlieb Karen Black --- Karen Blanche Ziegler Victor Borge --- Borge Rosenbaum Fanny Brice --- Fanny Borach Mel Brooks --- Melvin Kaminsky George Burns --- Nathan Birnbaum Eddie Cantor --- Edward Israel Iskowitz Jeff Chandler --- Ira Grossel Lee J. Cobb --- Amos Jacob Tony Curtis --- Bernard Schwartz Rodney Dangerfield --- Jacob Cohen Kirk Douglas --- Issue Danielovich Demsky Melvyn Douglas --- Melvyn Hesselberg Bob Dylan --- Bobby Zimmerman Paulette Goddard --- Marion Levy Lee Grant --- Lyova Geisman Elliot Gould --- Elliot Goldstein Judy Holliday --- Judith Tuvim Al Jolson --- Asa Yoelson Danny Kaye --- David Daniel Kaminsky Michael Landon --- Michael Orowitz Steve Lawrence --- Sidney Leibowitz Jerry Lewis --- Joseph Levitch Peter Lorre --- Lazlo Lowenstein Elaine May --- Elaine Berlin Yves Montand --- Ivo Levy Mike Nichols --- Michael Peschkowsky Joan Rivers --- Joan Molinsky Edward G. Robinson -- Emanuel Goldenberg Jane Seymour --- Joyce Penelope Frankenburg Simone Signoret --- Simone-Henriette Kaminker Beverly Sills --- Belle Silverman Sophie Tucker --- Sophia Kalish Gene Wilder --- Gerald Silberman
YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist, A bisseleh maybe here and there, The rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist, My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir, Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.. And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish Though, I'm talking out my tuchas. Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better (Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one Needs to write a letter) But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention, No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen: They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel, Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel. These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener, So much better than "a pill " is to call someone 'farbissener'. Or - that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria, And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria. I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch, But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch? Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear, To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear. A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt, But you are speaking narishkeit..... And A gezunt auf dein kup!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GLOSSARY Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand Bisseleh = A little Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up Och un vai = Alas and alack Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me Pisk = mouth Naches = Joy, Gratification Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as chlemiel Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck (it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!) Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera. Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry. Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves (Lit., Don't bang your teapot!) Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer Mieskeit = Ugly Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it! Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day) Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!! Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done! (Lit., A long life upon your head.) Narishkeit = Nonsense Shanna punim= Beautiful face