| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE GRANDPARENT JOKES OF THE WEEK What does grandpa do when you tell him to change his hearing aid? He doesn't listen. "My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday… Until she pasta-way
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60 years old... Now he's 97, and we have no idea where could he be.
My grandpa's so cheap, when he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light and turn it off
Grandpa died because we couldn't figure out his blood type. At least he told us to be positive..
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car
My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror. Humble man, terrible driver.
My grandpa is 95 years old and he doesn't even use glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle
Why do grandparents smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
What do you call a man sitting in hot water? Stew. What do you call a man who is sitting in barely warm water? Luke. 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There`s nothing wrong with you. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn`t believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to? His mother put on tremendous pressure." Five year old Emma was sitting on her grandfather David's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David's wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, darling," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What . .. . .. . You're coming empty handed?" After 40 long years, my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question, "Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?" "No, grandpa." "It said, Between you and me, something smells." "Back in the day," a grandfather started to say, "You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But nowadays," he continued, "Wherever you go, there are cameras." A grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the elderly man replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Why do grandparents count pennies? They're the only ones who have the time.
Why are grandparents and grandchildren always close to each other? They both have a common enemy at the homefront who makes a fuss about eating sweets. | 
