| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE ORCHESTRA/ CHOIR JOKES OF THE WEEK After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "When they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer." The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor." The violinists in an orchestra don't do much. They just fiddle around All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra. I had to call the police to report domestic violins. I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras. Thanks for every "ting". A man walks into his orchestra rehearsal carrying some corn on the cob as his instrument. The conductor asks him "Will you need any sheet music?" The man replies, "Nah, I'll play it by ear." If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? The conductor. A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player. Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist." The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem." "Well" replies the contractor "that's all I've got." "All right," says the conductor, "I'm getting pretty desperate, so I guess I'll have to take him." The first rehearsal is a week later. The conductor arrives early and notices the new clarinetist, wearing a suit and tie, with a pencil on his stand, sitting on stage practicing his part. During the rehearsal, the clarinetist plays his part quite well, and is responsive to all the conductor's requests. At the second rehearsal, a week later, the same thing happens. This time, the clarinetist turns in a nearly perfect performance. One week later, at the final dress rehearsal, this occurs again, with the clarinetist now playing his part flawlessly. At the break in the rehearsal, the conductor says to the orchestra "I've got an apology to make. I was really dreading having to work with a jazz musician, but I must say that our clarinet player has certainly proved me wrong. He is always neatly dressed, he was always here early for the rehearsals, working on the part, and he has really learned the music." Then, to the clarinet player he says "I just wanted to tell you that I truly appreciate your effort and dedication." To which the clarinetist replies "Hey man, it's the least I can do, considering I can't make it to the show." {What a very teefeh vort… and Mussar…} The sound from an orchestra on stage is designed to bounce around the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a Pigeon on stage does not do this...The reason is a Coo sticks.... (oyy… this is possibly the worst joke I wrote all year…) The orchestra one evening was playing a song that was noted for being on the lower side of the musical spectrum. As they played through the night, the conductor would on occasion shoot an angry glare at one of the musicians. After a few of these glares, the musician leans over to his fellow and whispers, "I think I'm in Treble." | 
