| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE CHILDREN JOKES OF THE WEEK There was a rabbi known for his constant preaching about the need to nurture children with warmth and love. One time he noticed some children who were playing in the freshly laid concrete outside his newly renovated home, their little feet leaving lasting impressions. He became irritated and started chastising the children. A congregant asked, "How can you, a person who devoted his entire life to teaching warmth to children, speak this way?" To which the rabbi replied: "You must understand. I love children in the abstract, not the concrete." In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who is your father?" The boy replies, "The Soviet Union." He then asks, "Who is your mother?" "The communist party," came the reply. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a Stankhanovite worker for the glory of the state and the party." The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, "Who is your father?" The girl answers, "The Soviet Union." "Who is your mother?" "The communist party." "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" "A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party." The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, "What's your name?" The boy replies, "Mendel Abramovitch." "Who is your father?" "The Soviet Union." "Who is your mother?" "The communist party." "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" Mendel replies, "An orphan." Mordechai, his wife and their three children have just finished their shopping and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a cab and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Brooklyn?" "For you and your wife, I'll charge just $12," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?" Mordechai turns to his children and says, "Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus." Mendel was passing by his Chaim's bedroom and was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Daddy." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 16 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your boychik Chaim'l PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Yanky's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..." The second lady nods, sighs and says, "Oy vey!" The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!" The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game." Even though they were brought up strictly orthodox, Shlomo, 8 and Isaac, 10 were very naughty brothers. When anything went wrong in Golders Green, they were nearly always involved. One day, a friend visited their parents and mentioned a Rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children. As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this Rabbi and asked whether he could help. He said he could and asked to see the younger boy first – but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the Rabbi while Isaac was kept at home. The Rabbi sat Shlomo down across a huge, solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For 5 minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Shlomo said nothing. Again, in a louder tone, the Rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Again Shlomo said nothing. Then the Rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on Shlomo's nose and shouted, "For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?" Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac's room and said, "We are in big trouble, Isaac." "What do you mean, big trouble, little brother?" said Isaac. Shlomo replied, "God is missing... and I'm sure they think we did it." | 
