Rabbi Bienenfeld on the controversy in parsha Korach Our Parsha presents us with one of the most debilitating and destructive dynamics in human relationships: machlokes, controversy. When it is driven by selfishness and the desire to win at all costs, the results can be devastating for all involved. As the Mishna in Pirkei Avos reminds us (5:20), Korach's disagreement with Moshe was not at all motivated "for the sake of Heaven." Rather it was instigated by Korach's voracious craving for power and fame. The Torah therefore warns us (17:5) not to "be like Korach and his followers." The Talmud explains exactly what this negative commandment means. "Do not persist in machlokes" (Sanhedrin 110a). In other words, when conflict breaks out, when disagreement threatens to poison a relationship, stop! Do not allow it to continue. In Hebrew, there is a wonderful phrase which captures how to arrest a simmering quarrel: learn to be mevater. Learn to just let it go. Ask yourself: how critical is the issue anyway, and, so what if the other person has his way. Does it really pay to get into a knock- down-drag-out fight and forever ruin your friendship because you're convinced you're right? Certainly, there are times when pursuing and insisting upon being right is essential. But even under those circumstances, you must be thoroughly honest with yourself. If what is pushing you to persist in the dispute is an inability to admit that you might be wrong, if your stubbornness is borne out of some selfish conceit, then even if you're right, you're wrong. If the argument is truly "for the sake of Heaven," if the goal is the genuine pursuit of truth, then the manner in which you speak, how sensitively you manage a difficult situation, will reflect that pure motivation. Your ability to be mevater purges the dispute of all those unwholesome emotions that so often sacrifice the truth on the idolatrous altar of egoism and vanity. The story is told that when Rav Shach married his rebbetzin, they had an understanding that when there would arise some disagreement, the first time, he would be mevater and whenever the next argument arose, she would. After many years of marriage, the rebbetzin remarked that her turn never came as her husband was always mevater. In human relationships, argument is inevitable. People bicker and disagree. Our opinions often clash and our views on all sorts of issues frequently diverge. This, of course, should come as no surprise; we are all so different. How then do we get along? Obviously, there are many successful mechanisms that address the issue of conflict resolution and many of these strategies work in tandem to bring about the sought after shalom. But among them – perhaps primary among them – is the courage to be mevater. And if your adversary reciprocates with this virtue, it becomes a win-win solution for everyone. | 
