RABBI SCHWARTZ'S DOUBLES JOKES OF THE WEEK A man walks into a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double whiskeys, please.' The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of whisky. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man answers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of whisky. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. "not a single penny!" A man walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre. So the bartender gave it to her. The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years. Ok, I'll be back in two years. Rivkah, a young mother, was teaching her 6-year-old daughter Sarah how to unbuckle her seat belt. Sarah asked, "Do I click the red square, mummy?" Rivkah said, "Yes, darling." Sarah then asked, "Single click or double click?" A university English professor tells his students "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." I served a pot of chili to a table of anti-vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test. They thought it was a bit tasteless. Berel was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said, "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said, "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." |