RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE KOSHER JOKES OF THE WEEK
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy are sitting in their local kosher deli and when the waitress comes over, and asks for two glasses of water. When the water arrives, they take out homemade sandwiches from inside their coat pockets and start to eat.
Moshe the deli manager is not happy with what he sees. So he goes over to them and says, "Look, I'll give you both one of our snacks free of charge. My customers won't mind, seeing you are Rabbis. But please, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy look at each other with twinkles in their eyes. Without saying a word, they shrug their shoulders, exchange their homemade sandwiches, and carry on eating.
It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in New York. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Brooklyn.
"I'll have the kreplach," Rachel told the waiter.
"The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?"
"OK, let it be stuffed peppers."
The waiter turns to Aunt Leah.
"Bring please the pot roast."
"The pot roast is strictly for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken."
"All right then, so bring the flanken."
Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, "I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?"
"Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?"
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." .
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Miami.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asks the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asks the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," says the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"
Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbos when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on Talmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into 'The Chinese Crab' restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy.
"Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food."
"Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?"
"And did you see me order this food?"
"And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?"
"And did you then see me eat the food?"
"Then I don't see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."
A group of Rabbis was having lunch in "Isaacs White House" kosher restaurant. Unfortunately, Isaac served them watermelon spiked with whisky that he had prepared for another table and he realized his mistake too late to do anything about it. All Isaac could do was wait in his kitchen and expect the worst.
As soon as the waiter came back into the kitchen with the empty plates, Isaac grabbed hold of him and asked, "What did they say, please tell me, what did they say?"
"Nothing at all, Mr Isaac," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy searching for the watermelon seeds and putting them into their pockets."
Rachel and her husband Max are in their local kosher restaurant. Even though Rachel always seems to find something to moan about in this deli restaurant, they still regularly go there because the food is good and it's frequented by many of their fellow seniors.
As usual, within minutes of taking their seats, Rachel starts to bother their waiter. "Waiter," she says, "please turn up the air conditioning. You know I can't stand a hot atmosphere."
But then, five minutes later, she asks the waiter to turn down the air conditioning because she is too cold. Soon after, she wants it turned up again because she's getting too hot. But then their food arrives on the table and Rachel is at last silent as she eats her meal.
Maurice, who is sitting near Rachel and Max's table, can't help but notice that at no time does the waiter show any anger - in fact he is surprisingly patient. So as the waiter walks past his table on his way back to the kitchen, Maurice calls him over and says quietly to him, "I can't understand why you don't just throw this customer out of the restaurant."
"Oh, we don't really mind," says the waiter, "because not only do we have a customer focus program in operation where the customer is always right, but also, this restaurant doesn't have any air conditioning