| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MONEY JOKES OF THE WEEK Rebbi Goldberg posed a question to his 2nd grade class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the shul, would I get into heaven?" The children unanimously replied, "No." The Rebbi then asked, "If I were to keep the shul clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Once again, the answer was a resounding "No." Apparently perplexed, the Rebbi asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?" Quick-witted five-year-old Berel piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!" A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus... To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Deli sandwiches. What do you call a man who gives students money? Grant It's true women do make less money than men. But it's their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer. A robber held up a well-dressed man pointing his gun and yelling, "Give me all your money!" The man replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm a U.S. congressman!" The robber retorted, "In that case, give me all my money!" How were you able to donate money to Hamas in America without getting in trouble? Just pay your taxes. I asked the cashier "Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus " She said "That's fare" What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera. The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it What money do they use on Superman's homeworld? Kryptocurrency What's the hardest part of being addicted to money? The withdrawals. A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under. The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor. "Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea." Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand. Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?" Barry says "make it $1000". I'm so good with managing money. I got a letter from a debt collector saying 'outstanding payment' My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money." Now he needs money to publish it .I told him to read the book My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires. When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you". Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it. Times were tough | 
