RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE TOMBSTONE JOKES OF THE WEEK A wife inscribed on her husband's tombstone... Rest in Peace honey. Rest in Peace, till I join you. An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Chanukah. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time. The next year the entire family was celebrating Chanukah again together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy. After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!" A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled. The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”. Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.” Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.” His brother apologized. “…and they didn’t include the phone number!” Yankel, the Yerushalmi yid with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit the kivrei tzadikim in the cemetery and bring all but their youngest child with her. He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place. "Is this your only child?" asked the landowner. "No, I have 12 children" replied the man. "Then where are the other 11 kids?" "In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied. Dentist’s tombstone: "Here lies Doctor Bob Greenberg, filling his last cavity". What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone? iCame, iSaw, iConquered. Engraved on a hypochondriac's tombstone? See, I told you I was sick. A man comes to work at a cemetery. Two weeks pass, he comes to the boss and hands in his resignation. "What's the problem, Pete?" - asks the boss. – "Are the benefits bad, the salary? Are you afraid, maybe?" "No, it's not that, Chief, - the man explains." - It's just... I can't take it anymore. I'm walking around the cemetery, and I see a writing on a tombstone: *Here sleeps*. Then, a few steps further, *Here rests*. Then, a few more steps and I see, *Here Such-and-Such found his peace*... And I've got to work!" A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?” Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.” Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?” Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.” Then, Rose looks at the tombstone and points at the name written on it. “So why is that their name?” Rose asks. Her mom sighs and says “We’ll always remember Samsung Smart Fridge.” A distressed man is in the cemetery crying his eyes out and beating a tombstone while shouting "Why did you have to die! Why did you have to die!" A nearby man comes up to him and asks him "I'm very sorry, was she your wife?" The distressed man looks up at him and responds "it was her first husband". After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts, I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone. So I explained: "It's what he would have wanted" Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see Trump drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Trump asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Trump asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
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