RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE SHARING JOKES OF THE WEEK
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’ As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "My turn for the teeth." What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account? Prime mates. Why are crabs so bad at sharing? Because they're all shellfish. If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on my whatsapp status. I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won. An Israeli, a Frenchman and a Palestinian are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Frenchman was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the Frenchman had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Palestinian was next up. After watching the Frenchman's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Palestinian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The Israeli was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful and holiest part of the world and your culture is one of the finest that has done so much for humanity. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Israeli replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"? "Tie the Palestinian to my back." Be careful when sharing jokes. I read a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in." I decided to repeat the joke at work the other day to some co-workers and when I finished, one guy got really offended and that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his younger brother died in the bath as a child while having an epileptic fit. I asked, "Did he drown?" The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!" I deleted an audiobook my wife and I was sharing. Now I'll never hear the end of it Moishe, Yanky and Chaim were walking around feeling quite hungry. They didn't have any money to buy anything. As they were discussing their problem they passed by a church announcing a big feast for the occasion of four nuns were celebrating that they were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Yoshka. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, and they took their seats in the front row, the Mother looked at these Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and came over to them and said “I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?” Moishie replied, “We're from the groom's family.” Moshe and Avram went to a fish restaurant. They ordered one lunch and 2 plates to share it. The waiter brought 1 large fish and one small fish. "Avram, you choose first", said Moshe "No, please you choose." "OK, I will take". Moshe took a big piece and put it on his plate Avram, looked upset and said, "I figured You would take a big one" "And which would you take?" "The small one" "Nu, so what is the problem?" The old scholarly rabbi, a man of great wisdom and erudition, was dying. His son's gathered around his bed, trying to make his last journey comfortable. They gave him some warm milk to drink but he refused. One of his son's took the glass back to the kitchen. He had come from Colorado, where marijuana is legal. He opened a vial of cannabis oil, and mixed a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at the rabbis bed he held the cup to his father's lips. The rabbi drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it he finished the whole glass. "Father" said the eldest son, "please share some wisdom with us before you go. Give us some perspective and advice.” The rabbi raised himself up in bed. A sage look came over his face, And then he said, "DO NOT SELL THAT COW."
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