RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE ROSH HASHANA JOKES OF THE WEEK Rick wanted to get into the Shul. In Gants Hill, London on Rosh Hashanah, but without a ticket they don't let you in. Rick pleads, 'Look, I just want to give a message to Morris in there.' The man at the door says, 'Sorry sir, you've got to have a ticket.' Rick replies, 'Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out.' 'Alright,' says the man at the door, 'but I better not catch you praying.' There was a shul (synagogue) that was looking for a baal tokea, someone to blow the shofar. A man came to try out but did a terrible job. He asked for a second chance but was told, “Sorry, YOU BLEW IT.” A man came home on the first night of Rosh Hashana with a brand new tire. His wife asked him, “What in the world is that about?” He smiled and explained, “In our family, we have a minhag (custom) to eat tires on the first night of Rosh Hashana as a siman that we should have a GOODYEAR!” Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board. One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my good man." "Five dollars? What, do I look like a yutz? A loaf costs $7.95, and that's a good deal. My wife bakes that herself; it's hard to get it perfect, but she does!" "I know, that's why I only want to buy from you. But surely $5 is a fair offer. Come on, Irving, we've known each other along time..." "No! My prices are my prices. I can't have separate prices for individual customers!" Stunned, the customer shoves the money back in his pocket and shrugs his shoulders. "I... I just don't believe it," he mumbles as he walks out the door. Irving's wife walks up to her husband just as the customer exits. "Honey, what was that all about? You look so upset!" Irving stammers, "I can't stand challah cost deniers!" Hetty has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end. God says no and explains that she has another 30 or 40 yeas to live. As soon as she recovers, Hetty figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well look her best. So she stays in the hospital and has a face lift, liposuction, Botox – the works. But tragedy strikes just as Hetty is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car. When Hetty arrives in front of God she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years." God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." 23 year-old Emma is very excited. Last night her boyfriend proposed to her and she is about to tell her parents the good news over breakfast. "Mum, Dad," she says excitedly, "You know Joshua, the new boyfriend of mine I met only a few weeks ago? Well, he wants to marry me and I think he’s just perfect for me." "Mazel tov darling," shouts Fay, as she rushes over to Emma and gives her a big hug and kiss. "I’ve been waiting for such news for some time." "Well I hope he can support you," Issy says to Emma. "What does this boy of yours actually do for a living?" "He’s a chazan, dad," she replies. "Well, that’s not good news," says Issy. "I’ve always said that no daughter of mine is going to marry a chazan. If you insist on marrying him, I won’t be there to see it." Emma breaks down crying and begs her father to change his mind, but to no avail. Then Emma has an idea. She suggests that at least he should go see Joshua in action, in his shul. Reluctantly, Issy agrees. The following shabbes, Issy keeps his promise and goes to Joshua’s shul to see him in action. Emma is waiting on the doorstep when he returns home and immediately asks, "Well dad, what did you think of him?" Issy replies with a wide smile, "Mazel tov, my darling Emma, I think Joshua will make a good husband for you." On hearing this, Emma cries with happiness. "Oh dad, I’m so, so happy. But tell me – why have you changed your mind?" "I haven’t," replies Issy, "Joshua is no chazan." Three rabbis were discussing how to have the best davening experience (prayer) and what the best positions for prayer were. A telephone repairman who was working nearby overheard their conversation. "Standing and swaying back and forth during the shmone esrei is definitely best," said the first rabbi. "No," another rabbi contended. "I have the best davening when I’m sitting down saying the shema with my eyes closed." "You're both wrong," the third rabbi insisted. "The best davening is Kabbalat Shabbat, dancing with my arms outstretched to Heaven." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Rabbis," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole." Rabbi Bloom enters the first grade Hebrew class. It will soon be Rosh Hashanah and he's there to blow the shofar for them. But before he does, he decides to ask them a relevant question. So hiding his shofar behind his back, he says to the class, "Shalom, boys and girls. I have a question for you. Can anyone here tell me what we will see in shul on Rosh Hashanah but which we would not normally see in shul at other times of the year?" Little Samuel puts up his hand and says, "I know the answer, rabbi. It's my Uncle Joe and Aunt Betty." After the Shabbos service was over, Golda Grunberg meets Rabbi Cohen at the shul door with her young son Shmuel. "Rabbi," says Golda, "I'm sorry my little Shmuel was so noisy during your sermon." "That's OK, Golda," says Rabbi Cohen. "These things are not unknown to us rabbis. But do tell me how you managed to get him to keep quiet at the end." "It was quite easy rabbi," replies Golda. "Fifteen minutes into your sermon, I leaned over to Shmuel and whispered in his ear, 'Shmuel, listen to me carefully. If you don't stop making so much noise, Rabbi Cohen is going to lose his place in his sermon, and if he loses his place, he will have to start his sermon all over again!' And rabbi, he instantly stopped making a noise." Little Moishie Rosenberg called Rabbi Fine, the rabbi of a local synagogue to come by his house to pray for the speedy recovery of his mother who had been very ill with the flu. Rabbi Fine knew the family but was aware they had been attending another shul down the road. So Rabbi Fine asked, "Shouldn't you be calling Rabbi Felder from Shaarei Shamayim congregation where you are members to come by to pray with your mom?" Young Moishie replied, "Yeah I could but we didn't want to take the chance that Rabbi Felder might catch whatever it is that Mom has." Shira Fried was in charge of the kids Shabbat program at Congregation Beth Israel. She was teaching the kids about decorum in shul and why it was so important. So she took them up to the main sanctuary at the very back to give her lesson up close. “Why is it necessary to be quiet in shul, especially now during Rabbi Eisen’s sermon?" Shira asked. Little Rivka Deutch whispered, "Because people are sleeping.
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