Friday, October 30, 2009

THE STORY OF SENIOR WEALTH and Problem solving

Problem Focus Versus Solution Focus

Develop the habit of thinking about potential solutions whenever your mind comes up with a problem. "What are some of the ways that I could possibly solve this problem?" is one of the worthy questions to get into the habit of asking yourself.

When you keep your mind focused on solving problems, you save yourself the anxiety you would have experienced if you had focused mostly on problems.

Moreover, when you think about finding solutions, you are more likely to find satisfactory solutions.

Keep your eyes and ears open to reading and hearing about how various people have solved different problems. Think of a list of people who excel at solving problems. Instead of spending an excessively large amount of time obsessing about a problem, ask yourself, "Who is good at solving problems? Let me contact this person." When you can't contact your problem-solving friend immediately, you can gain by asking yourself, "What do I think this person would say to help me solve this problem?"

Thinking about the situation in this way will bring out an aspect of your creativity that otherwise would not have been accessed

Love Yehuda


  Silver in the Hair 
  Gold in the Teeth.
  Stones in the Kidneys 

  Sugar in the Blood.
  Lead in the Feet.

  Iron in the Arteries.
  And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
  We never thought we'd  accumulate such wealth.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

smile video and kindness


Be resolved to become a kind person. How do you do this? Think, speak, and act with kindness.

Love kindness. When you do what you love, you are happy. A master of kindness is a master of joy.

When encountering someone, let your first thoughts be, "What kind words can I say to this person and what kind things can I do?"

Keep asking people, "What can I do for you?"

Everyone needs encouragement. Ask yourself, "What can I say that will be encouraging?"

Wherever you are, you are there for a reason. Ask yourself, "Since I am here now, what kindness can I do?"

Every kind person is unique. You have unique talents, skills, knowledge, and resources. Utilize them to help others in your own unique way. Ask yourself, "In what unique ways can I be kind?"

Do a daily act of kindness without letting anyone know who did it.

Learn from every kind act you see or read about. Ask yourself, "How can I learn from this to be kinder?"

A valuable rule is, "Even if you don't feel like a kind person, you can still act like one." Think of a kind act you can do that you don't feel like doing.

Think of a kindness telephone call that you can make today.

Think of a kindness note, letter, or email that you can write today.

View your own pain, distress, and suffering as tools for empathy and understanding. Ask yourself, "How can this experience help me be a kinder person?"

Keep asking yourself, "If I were this person, what would I want others to do for me?"

As soon as you recognize a need, volunteer to do something about it. 

Don't wait until you are asked.

Listen to those who need a listening ear. Listening to someone is a great act of kindness.

If you know that someone is looking for a job or needs to earn more money, ask yourself, "What can I do to make it happen?"

Be empathetic and compassionate. Be resolved not to cause distress, pain, or loss with your words and action.

Learn from everyone. Keep asking people, "What kindnesses from others have you appreciated?"

Pray for the welfare of others.

Love Yehuda

Please enjoy this cute smile video

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A PHIOLOSOPHICAL CONUNDRUM and Now is the Ultimate Moment

This Moment is the Ultimate Moment of Your Life Until Now

"This moment is the ultimate moment of my life until now." How can you say this? Because this is the moment that you've been practicing for your entire life. Everything you've ever studied and everything you've ever learned is now stored in your brain. The well wisdom of your life experiences has reached its highest point (so far) at this very moment.

This moment is made up of all that you've ever learned and done. All the moments of your life have added up to this very moment. So since this moment is so special, make it really special. How do you do that? With your self-talk. With your thoughts. With the way you draw upon all of your skills and talents and well wisdom. With the words and the actions your mind tells you are the best for this moment.

Just consider this moment special, and it is. And this is not only true for this moment. Rather, it is true for every single moment, for as long as you live. The present moment is the culmination of your life until that moment.

At this moment and each moment, you get to choose your thoughts, and your words, and your actions. Make wise choices. Make choices that you will look back on later and say, "I am glad that I made those choices."

Love Yehuda


 Socrates' Test of Three

Keep this in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor:

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students ...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.  The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a  third test -- the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

The facts are of course that Socrates  got this concept from the bible that teaches the concept of Lashon Hora (evil speech). Every concept has to be taken n concept. Sometimes you do have to repeat a story in order to protect the innocent.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Elephant birth and get out of day each day motivated

After a speech one day, Zig Ziglar, a famous motivational speaker,  was approached by someone in the audience who said:
"Zig, it was a great speech, but...motivation doesn't last."

Zig said, "Bathing doesn't either. That's why I recommend it daily!"

Truly successful people know, that especially as we age, each day one has to be motivated.

Our sages of great memory understood this when they set up a system of three times a day in talking to G-d, the greatest of all motivation. Now in our system, we believe that G-d set up the system when he set up the world, but she/he delegated to figuring out how it works to man/woman under the principal that each successive generation would turn to the leaders of their day to learn about life's laws.

Since some principals appear to be timeless, they were set up not to change, just as for all of man's history where we age and die. If one day we were to discover how to cheat death for a longer period of time (say for a 1000 years like the pre Noah people of the bible), we would still have to get up each day and be motivated.

Don't stay in bed and hide from the world. Get up, Get out there, and love the world we are in.

Love Yehuda

Look at the miracles birth of an elephant below. There is a modern expression taken from television by young people that says when you are excited, "don't have a cow man."  Well, a child of an elephant like a cow is also called a cow. And you can see having a cow, is no easy matter.


Miraculous and marvelous!!!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ideas we learn from Noah and the ark and ANIMAL LOVERS Here's your 'Awwwww' for the day!

As we studied about Noah this past week here are some lessons from Noah and the ark:
Everything I need to know I learned from Noach:
1. Don't miss the boat
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noach built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to the critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. Whe you're stressed out, float a while.
10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs-the Titanic by proffessionals.
11. No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting.
Jewish Proverbs, Most Direct quotes
I f the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks . Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones. Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.  Jewish Proverb
A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great.."   Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.   Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become Immortal through not dying. Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them .   Albert Einstein  

Love Yehuda

Since we were talking about the ark--enjoy these animal pictures

Sunday, October 25, 2009

What makes a human being so special and Why Dogs Don't Like Halloween

What is so important about our mortality? Why do we fight to stay alive?The real question is what makes an individual human being special?

Individuality is what gives human life its dignity and sanctity. Without it, we would not know love--for

love in its primary sense is always directed to a person; to this man, that woman, this child, in their

uniqueness. One who truly loves does not love abstractly. The lover in the Song of Songs never

tires of describing his beloved, her hair, her cheeks, her eyes, her mouth, the things that make her what she is.

She is not some woman in general.

It is also is what gives human love its particular pathos and vulnerability. We know that like us, our

beloved will eventually grow old and die, and that he or she can never be replaced. If we knew we

would never die, we would need no intimations of eternity.

Because we know we will one day die,

one of the greatest things that can happen to us is the moment beyond time (the one we know we

will never forget) when two souls touch and between them form a bridge over the abyss of mortality.

This is what the song of songs when it means when is says, "Love is as strong as death, its passion

as unyielding as the grave."

The moment when Adam turned to his wife and gave her a proper name, Chavah or Eve, was a

turning point in the history of civilization. It was then that G-d robed the couple in garments of light.

For it is only when we relate to one another as persons possessed of non-negotiable dignity, that we

respond to the "image of G-d" in the other. In a sense the whole of Judaism or at least the commands

between us and our fellow human beings-is an extended commentary to this idea. The rules of justice,

mercy, charity, compassion, regard for the poor, love for the neighbor and the stranger, delicacy of

speech and sensitivity to the easily injured feelings of others, are all variants on the theme of respect

for the human other as an image and likeness of the Divine Other.

The idea goes deeper still. There is an intimate connection between the way we relate to other people

and the way we related to G-d and this too is expressed in the difference between a noun and a name.

Judaism was much more than the discovery of monotheism, that there is only one G-d. That idea is

contained in the work Elokim. It was also the discovery that G-d is individual-- that the fact that we are

persons, with loves, fears, hopes and dreams, is not an accidental by-product of evolution, but is an echo

of the ultimate reality of the cosmos. We aer not gene-producing machines, but persons, each of unique,

irreplaceable, here because G-d wanted us to be. That is the world-transforming concept of Hashem-and

it was only when Adam responded to Eve as a person, that he could respond to G-d as a person. That is

why the commands between us and G-d are inseparable from the commands between us and our fellow

human beings.

Love Yehuda

Friday, October 23, 2009

The concept of a name & Catch TheMoment 2

As we are writing about immortality, we learn about the concept of a person. With the appearance of  proper names, the concept of a person is born. A noun designates a class, a group of things linked by common characteristics. Nouns speak of sameness and therefore substitutability. If we lose one watch we can buy another. If our car is stolen we can replace it. "Watch" and "car" are nouns, in both cases objects defined by their function.

A name is different. It refers not to a class or group of things but to an individual in his/her individuality. The  primary bearer of a name is a person. Only by extension do we give names to non-persons for which we have special affection- a pet, for example. This example of a pet is the cross over between inanimate objects that are a class object and an individual. While "bo-bo" can never be replaced directly another dog can be bought. If a child dies G-d forbid, another child can be had, but it will never replace the dead child.

The concepts of "name" and "person" are intimately linked. We cannot have one without the other. The single most important ethical truth about persons is that none is suitable for any other. As persons, we are unique. "When a human makes many coins in the same mint," said the sages, "they all come out alike." By contrast, when G-d makes every human being in the same image, his image, and they are all different.

Love Yehuda

Thursday, October 22, 2009

How we achive Immortality and AirVenture 2009

In my piece about Judaism being the most child centered of faiths, I concluded that Adam realized that  since he was mortal he had to have children. But there is a significant difference between personal immortality and the immortality we gain by those we bring to life and who will live on after us. The latter cannot be achieved alone. Until he became aware of his mortality, Adam could  think of his wife as  a "suitable helper" (in Hebrew a "ezer kenegdo). He thought of her as his assistant, not his equal. "She shall be called 'woman' (ishah in Hebrew), for she was taken from man (ish in Hebrew). She was in his eyes an extension of himself. Now he knew otherwise. Without her, he could not have children--and children were his share in eternity. He could no longer think of her as an assistant. She was a person in her own right--more even than he was, for she, not he, would actually give birth. In this respect she was more like G-d than he could be, for G-d is He-who brings new life into being.

Once he had thought these thoughts, recrimination ended, for he saw that their physical being, their "nakendness" was not simply a source of shame. There is a spiritual dimension to the physical relationship between husband and wife. At one level it is the most animal of desires, but at another it is as close as come to the principle of divine creativity itself, namely love that creates life. That is when he turned to her and for the first time saw her as person and gave her a personal name, Chavah or Eve, meaning "she that gives life". The significance of this moment can not be sufficiently emphasized. It was not that previously Adam had not given his wife one name and now changed it to another. It was that previously Adam had not given her a name at all. He  called her ishah, 'woman' a generic noun and not a proper noun (incidentally, he himself had not had a proper name until now either. He was simply called ha-adam, 'the man'. Not until he confers on the woman a proper name does he acquire a proper name for himself, ADAM.

Love Yehuda



Good video of an air show.




Wednesday, October 21, 2009

From Dust you come and Funny Billiard Video

Judaism is the most child centered of faiths. And why?  

Here is Rabbi Sacks (the chief rabbi of England) reasoning. When Adam heard the words "dust you are and to dust you will return", for the first time Adam become conscious of his mortality.  There is no more profound self-knowledge than this--that the world will one day be without us, and we without the world. Much of civilization has turned on this single fact, that our lives are finite, a microsecond in the context of eternity; that however long we live, our time is limited and all too short.

The bible is silent on what Adam's thoughts were in the wake of this discovery, but we can reconstruct them ourselves. Until then, death had not entered his, consciousness, but now it did. What, if we are mortal, will live on? Is there a part of us that will continue, even though we ourselves are no longer here? It was then that Adam remembered G-d's words to the woman. She would give birth to children-in pain to be sure, but she would bring new life into the world.

Suddenly Adam knew that though we die, if we privileged to have children, something of us will live on: our genes, our influence, our example, our ideals. That is our immortality. This was an idea that eventually shaped the character of the whole of Judaism in contradistinction to most other cultures in ancient and modern times. The Tower of Babel and the great buildings of Egypt (Ramses II)--the two most significant glimpses the bible gives us of empires of the ancient world--testify to the idea that we defeat mortality by building monuments that outlast the winds and sands of time. Judaism had a different idea, that we defeat mortality by engraving our ideals on the hearts of our children, and they on theirs, and so on to the end of time. Where the Mesopotamians and   Egyptians thought of buildings, Abraham and his decendants thought of builders (the bible says "call them not your children but your builders). Judaism from Adam down to Abraham bcame the most child-centered of faiths.

Rabbi Elazar ben Arzayah said "It is impossible  for there to be a sesson in the house of study without some new interpretation" I hope this looking at the issue of death and rebirth has had some enlightenment for you. I will continue with this thought in future articles.

Love Yehuda 

Very Interesting Video

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Amazing full-size replica of Noah's Ark and a Brand New Day

A Brand New Day

Each day is a brand new day of challenges and tests. Each challenge and test can be dealt with and handled with the most positive and wisest resources we already have stored in our amazing brains. We can also create new patterns and innovative solutions. We can consult others for suggestions and ideas. We can research through books and articles.

At the start of each day we can never know exactly how the day will unfold. But we can mentally prepare ourselves in advance to think at our best and wisest.

Look at the work of this individual who built a full size replica of Noah's Ark. This is the week that the story of Noah is read in the synagogue. The builder of the ark must have had his share of challenges and tests. But he persevered and accomplished his goal. One must be inspired by his work  to meet our own  challenges and tests.

Love Yehuda

Amazing full-size replica of Noah's Ark

This is amazing. The wood alone would have cost him a fortune.   
Man builds working replica of Noah's Ark (exact scale given in Bible)

In Schagen, Netherlands 


The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark was opened to the first crowd of curious townsfolk to behold the wonder. Of course, it's only a replica of the biblical Ark , built by Dutch creationist, Johan Huibers, as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible. 


The ark is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's two-thirds the length of a football field and as high as a three-story house.


Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold. 


A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine. Biblical Scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.


Huibers did the work mostly with his own hands, using modern tools and with occasional help from his son, Roy. Construction began in May 2005. On the uncovered top 
deck not quite ready in time for the opening - will come a petting zoo, with baby lambs, chickens, goats and one camel.


Visitors on the first day were stunned. 'It's past comprehension', said Mary Louise Starosciak, who happened to be bicycling by with her husband while on vacation when they saw the ark looming over the local landscape.


'I knew the story of Noah, but I had no idea the boat would have been so big ' There is enough space near the keel for a 50-seat film theater where kids can watch a video that tells the story of Noah and his ark. Huibers, a Christian man, said he hopes the project will renew interest in Christianity in the Netherlands , where church-going has fallen dramatically in the past 50 years.


Now that I am old and Gray...give me the time to tell This new generation (and their children too) About all your mighty miracles.
Psalm 71:18 



Monday, October 19, 2009

The world works on kindness and interesting world facts

The Torah tells us that "God created man in His own image" (Genesis 1:27). The Chofetz Chaim (a great sage of the early 1900's) comments that "image of God" means that man has the ability to emulate God, who bestows kindness on people. Performing acts of kindness reflects God's attributes. Thinking "Why should I help others?" alienates a person from Godliness.

The very survival of humanity depends on kindness. Every person, without exception, needs the help of his fellow human being. The prophet Michah (6:8) tells us, "... what does God require of you, but to act justly, to love kindness and to walk humbly with God." Kindness is something we must do. It helps our fellow human being, helps bring the world one step closer to perfection while raising our level of spirituality. That must be our focus, not the response or recognition we hope to receive from those whom we help.

This last week was the reading of the opening portion of the old testament in the synagogue

Each year we read through the same biblical story, but our duties as adults are to constantly keep working on our faith and belief system. When one is given a brain by G-d, we have the duty to use it. 

Fortunately, in our lives today, we have brilliant minds that spend their time studying and learning spiritually as opposed to just making money. Now I am not criticizing making money, but as we learn from above our purpose on this earth is to emulate G-d. The great minds that give their time to help me learn new insights each year, make my Sabbaths special.

Some writings are imiginative, others are controversal, but they are all interesting to learn and discuss. The Talmud teaches that many concepts are not mutually exculusive, but can all be true. Among the things I learned this weekend, were 1) Cain, the first child of Adam and Eve, may have been the Snake's son and not Adam's.
2) Now that I have your attention, another writer (Rabbi Bick), proposes based on the text that Cain was guilty of  manslaughter and not murder. He also proposes that Cain was the important one of the two brothers and Hevel (in Hebrew meaning air or nothingness) was a copycat and not very bright.

Love Yehuda 




More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska




The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.  The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean.  The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States




Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.  Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica.  This ice also represents seventy % of all the fresh water in the world.  As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert.  The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches.  Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, that is), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.




Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.




Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.  Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village.' 




Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.




Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road any where. 


Damascus, Syria 


Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence. 


Istanbul , Turkey


Istanbul (aka Constantinople), Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.


Los Angeles


Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A. 


New York City


The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city.  Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. 


There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.. 




There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man made.


Pitcairn Island


The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia , at just 1.75 sq. miles.




The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C.  There is a city called Rome on every continent.




Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests. 




The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.).  It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican.  It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is. 


Sahara Desert


In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.  Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years




SPAIN literally means 'the land of rabbits.' 


St. Paul, Minnesota 


St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there. 




Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada: 75%.




The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas.  It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide. 


United States


The Interstate System requires that one-mile in every five must be straight.  These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. 




The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet.  It is 15 times higher than Niagara Falls


It has been said that one should learn something new every day.  Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.  But, give it a shot anyway!


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Due to Budget Cuts and Live and Let Live

Live and Let Live

Happy people have a vast amount of things that they consider to be okay. We all have our limits.

But we can develop attitudes and reactions that enable us to accept, tolerate, and ignore many of the things

that annoy, irritate, and frustrate unhappy people.

Some people need things to be "just so" for them to feel comfortable and happy.

The more rules and specifics that are needed for this, the more likely that a person will experience much unhappiness.

Are there any people you dread interacting with? Those with a low threshold of okay-ness are often in this category.

They demand that everything has to be exactly as they wish it to be for them to be satisfied. These people are

highly critical of others. They get annoyed at others for minor and trivial matters that are not to their liking.

Don't be one of them for your own benefit and the welfare of those who interact with you. Forgive them. Many times, as

one of my friends just told me, it is because they had critical parents.

Develop a sense of perspective. Keep asking yourself, "How important is this for me to fulfill my life's mission?"

The clearer you are about which values are truly important to you, the easier it will be for you to accept and cope well

with trivial and minor aspects of life that are not just the way you would have wanted them to be.

Love Yehuda



Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management