| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE GUILTY JOKES OF THE WEEK A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.
"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again." "You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing." "Anything, Your Honor," the hunter replies. "What is it?" The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?" The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor." A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson". A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, "I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses. They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result. They win the appeal. (It's teef… do you get it?) Which President is the least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
Why are earthquakes always found guilty? Because they are at fault
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
A defendant isn't happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: "Where do you work?" Defendant: "Here and there." Judge: "What do you do for a living?" Defendant: "This and that." Judge: "Take him away." Defendant: "Wait; when will I get out?" Judge: "Sooner or later." Yankel wasn't the smartest ganev. He was arrested and went to trial for armed robbery. After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's fantastic!" shouted Yankel. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty? It was the judge's Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been connecting to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not have it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again." The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: "Sorry… this stinking autospell correct! I meant "wifi, not "wife…" A man is in court. The Judges says,"On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!! | 
