A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey ... My God, has it come to this?
Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve conservative and thirty-two reform!"
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
IT HAPPENED IN SHUL
A Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to
Give you an Aliyah. What is your name?"
The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."
The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."
"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says."
How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi.
The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."
HIGH HOLIDAY PERKS
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to
Sleep. "I know, "replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for
Arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle!
You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . He gave me a longer
The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jewish man says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe , when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, though learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home
With a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is it the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat, said, "Then it must be the tradition
To sit during Shema!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the members of the
Congregation fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the
When young David was asked by his father to
Say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother, Henry, to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important ... Put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kippah?"
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.
He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000
acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says,
"My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and says, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing," says Irving .
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas ."
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass., and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice.
After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva.
"Well, I figured out their secret" he announces.
"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.
"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight