RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MONEY JOKES OF THE WEEK What did one penny say to the other penny? Let's get together and make some cents. What is brown and has a head and a tail, but no legs? A penny. When does it rain money? When there is a "change" in the weather. Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry. Where does Dracula keep his money? In a blood bank. Where does a penguin keep its money? In a snowbank. Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank. How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks. Where can you always find money? In the dictionary. What did the duck say after he went shopping? Put it on my bill. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. An old man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. A lot of people don't know this, but one of the greatest basketball players of all time was Jewish. He was known as Shekel O'Neal Moishe is standing at a Jewish concert and suddenly noticed he lost his wallet. He got up on the stage and makes an announcement, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over 5000 shekels in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give 500 shek!" A voice from the back of the auditorium shouted back, "I will give 750!" It's morning in Tel Aviv and inside THE KOSHER MOTOR garage, Jeremy Landau, one of the City's brightest mechanics, has started to repair the engine of an old Ford. As he removes the Ford's cylinder head, he notices Dr. David Goldblatt, a respected cardiologist, arriving to pick up his Mercedes which Jeremy has just finished servicing. Jeremy calls over to Dr Goldblatt, "Could you come over here please doctor, I'd like to show you something." Dr Goldblatt walks over. "So nu, Jeremy," he says, "what's this thing that's so important?" Pointing to the Ford and with a mischievous smile on his face, Jeremy replies, "I have a question for you. Just look at this engine, doctor. I've just opened up its heart. I will then carefully remove its valves and when I've done this, I will look for any existing damage. When I find it, which I always do, I will carefully repair it and put everything back together again and it will then work like new. So, doctor, my question to you is this: even though you and I are basically doing the same kind of work, how come I'm on a salary of just under 160,000 shekels a year whereas you probably take home around 1 million shekels a year?" Dr Goldblatt thinks about this for a few seconds, then smiles and replies, "The difference is, Jeremy …. try doing your work with the engine running." After what he felt was an incredible performance on evening cantor Baruch Steinberg - trying to impress- disclosed to the audience in the room that his voice is insured with Lloyds of London for 1 million dollars. All of a sudden Yankel from the back of the room pipes up "so what did you do with the money?" |