RABBI SCHWARTZ'S CHUTZPAH JOKES OF THE WEEK The definition of chutzpah: Is the man who killed his parents who asks for mercy from the court. The judge asks "On what grounds should we grant you mercy?" Man "On the account of I'm an orphan!" What is the definition of chutzpah – it's when someone is being treated for a multi-personality disorder and wants a……..group discount Q: Did you hear about the Jewish ATM? A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you? A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her $1.00, but never take a pretzel. This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years. Without blinking an eye she said: "They're $1.25 now." 2 Jewish guys are walking down a street when they see a Catholic church with a sign out front that says "Convert today and get $1000 dollars". The first Jewish guy says "Can you believe their chutzpah, thinking someone would convert for money?!". The other Jewish guy says "A thousand dollars?! I'm gonna go for it!" and runs into the church. Well the first guy is shocked, he stands outside waiting for his friend who comes out 30 minutes later counting hundred dollar bills. The first guy says to his friend "I cannot believe you! How can you turn your back on your religion, your family, forsake every spiritual thing you held dear, for $1000 dollars?!" The other guy looks up from counting his money and says "Wow, it's always about money with you people, isn't it?" A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have the correct change for the fare. The driver says, "I'm sorry ma'am but without the correct fare you can't ride." She places her hand gently on her chest and says, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He lets her ride. She tries to move down the crowded aisle, but people won't make way for her. She places her hand gently on her chest and says, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea. She reaches the back of the bus where there are no seats. No one gets up. She places her hand gently on her chest and says, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she take their seat. She settles into a good one by the window. A woman leans over to her and says, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got?" The little Jewish grandmother grins and says, "Chutzpah." Issy is walking down the road with his friend Max after listening to him go on and on kvetching for an hour. when he suddenly says. You know what, Max, You're a walking economy". Whatever do you mean by that?" Asks Max. " Well , it's likely this…. your hair line is in recession, your stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors about you is putting me into a depression!" Yankel from Williamsburg puts up a sign that says "Boat for sale" Yoily, his friend says, "But Yankel you only own a house and a car" "Dat's right" Yankel responded "And dey are boat for sale" |