| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S CHEESECAKE AND BLINTZES JOKES OF THE WEEK While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover. There were no cars. It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted. What do you call a vegan cheesecake? Cake.
God: (creates cheesecake)
God: (While fressing it up deliciously) "Oh wow! This is so great!" Angel: "Don't you think you should be sharing that?" —pause— God:(creates lactose intolerance) An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment .They are wanted for dessertion.
You know what they say about New York Cheesecake? If you can bake it there, you can bake it anywhere.
I knew I needed to do my stomach surgery when I went to the doctor...and he said "Don't eat anything fatty."
So I asked "So you mean like potato chips and cheesecake and stuff like that?" And he said "No fatty, don't eat anything." Did you heard about the cave-in at the cheesecake factory? There was de-brie everywhere The cheesecake was picking on the cookies. The pie came over to break it up. And said "Hey! Why don't you Pecan someone your own size!"
I like to eat cheesecake when I go to Midbar Yehuda. It's my favorite desert
Yankel walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I need a place to hang out a bit. My wife is upset with me again. She got home from work and asked me if I ate all of her cheesecake in the refrigerator," the guy tells the bartender.
"I told her, Don't be silly. I ate it on the couch.'" What's the best thing to put into a cheesecake? Your teeth.
One cold winter day in Chicago a poor Jewish man was slowly walking home from the factory when he passed by a fancy, expensive restaurant. He stopped before the huge glass window and gazed for several minutes at the rich people sitting in the plush warm room talking and laughing while eating delicious cheese blintzes, completely oblivious of him as though they were on another, higher plane of existence.
"Blintzes," he muttered to himself as he turned and continued home. "Sarah," he announced to his wife as he closed the door behind him and threw his coat over a chair, "Sarah, I've been thinking, do you think you could make me blintzes? I would really like some blintzes." "Of course Max," she answered. "I'll try my best." Sarah took out her old cookbook and opened it up to "Blintzes". "Aha!" She happily exclaimed. "Here they are… blintzes!" Two cups of flour, a cup of water... "Oh, look here, Max, it says we need cream cheese. We don't have cream cheese," she said sadly. "Listen Sarah, you know what? Forget the cheese," consoled Max. "Look here" she called out again. "It says we need walnuts, honey and raisins!" "Forget that stuff, too," he advised. "Oh you are such a good husband Max! But, what's this? What about cinnamon and brown sugar," she read out from the book. "Not necessary!" he decreed. "Just please start baking already, Sarah, I'm really hungry." So she ceremoniously lit the oven, mixed the flour and water, rolled it into cigar shapes put them in to bake and in just minutes there they were, sitting on a plate before a very happy Max, napkin tucked into his collar. His knife and fork immediately went to work and within seconds he was actually doing it! He was eating blintzes just like the rich guys in their fancy restaurant. Sarah watched him proudly as he slowly swallowed. After several seconds of complete silence she couldn't resist. "Nu, what do you think? Do you like it?" "You know, Sarah," said Max. "You know, I don't understand what those rich people see in blintzes." Irving goes into a restaurant and orders potato latkes. When they come, he complains that they do not look good and he changes his order to blintzes. After he eats the blintzes, he stands up and starts to leave the restaurant.
"Wait a second," the manager shouts after him. "You have not paid for your blintzes." "What are you talking about?" Irving says. "Those blintzes were an even exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them." "Yes," says the manager, "but you did not pay for the latkes either." "Why should I pay for them?" asks Irving. "I didn't eat them." THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day: Breakfast - I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk. Lunch - Small portion of tuna with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I cracker. Afternoon Tea - The rest of the packet of cracker, I tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella. Dinner - 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars. Late Night Snack - Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer. Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...) 5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner. 6. Cinema-related foods have a zero-calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, skittles, caramel Corn, Doritos and frozen Cokes. 7. Small pieces of chocolate chip cookies have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage. 8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something. 9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes. Carrots and Fanta soda, bananas and custard pie. 10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color. 11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass. 12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!) And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'! | 
