RABBI SCHWARTZ'S FUNNY THANK YOU JOKES OF THE WEEK Yankel was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to gG-d to give thanks. To the man's astonishment, the booming Hashem spoke to him. Yankel:" : "Hashem, I'm so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?" Hashem-" I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son." Yankel:" : And why did you make her so kind-hearted? Hashem: "I made as such so that you could love her, my son." Yankel:" And why, did you make her such an amazing cook? Hashem: "I blessed her with the talent of cooking so that you could love her, my son." Yankel: "Thank you, Hashem but forgive me but I must ask one more question. Why, did you make her so dumb? Hashem "I made her dumb, my son, so that she could love you." Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore. I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild Only in Israel will you find someone that tells you when you ask his affiliation "Baruch Hashem I'm an atheist"… Wait... There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams,
"Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Baruch Ata Hashem Elokeinu Melech Ha'Olam…" Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. "Thank you for flying with us. The weather is...." Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!" Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, "I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!" A voice from the back of the plane yelled, "Why don't you come back here and see ours?" Berel is at a looking to buy a horse, the horse trader leads him to a majestic white stallion. The horse trader said: "This horse can understand three commands, if you want it to walk, say "Praise Hashem", if you want it to gallop say "Baruch Hashem" and if you want it to stop say "Please Hashem". Berel did not believe the horse trader, so he requested to try it out. He got onto the horse and then said: "Praise god." The horse started walking. He then said "Baruch Hashem" and the horse started galloping towards the end of the cliff. Berel panicked and forgot the phrase to stop the horse, it looked as if he was about to fall, he shouted out of fear: "Please Hashem" the horse stopped. Berel, being relieved, said "Baruch Hashem" Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you. "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
"Thank you for calling the NSA..." "The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"
Be thankful for midwives. They really help people out
I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora" It means a lot I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me. My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them. I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing Thank you weight loss surgeons. What you do takes guts
|