| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S FUNNY COMING HOMEJOKES OF THE WEEK Berel is a mathematician at Yale university. He comes home from a symposium to be met at the door by his furious wife.
"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells. "Dear," Berel calmly responds, "what time did I say I would be home?" "Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife. "...Well?" demands the mathematician. I'm coming home late tonight...
Mom: Why? Dad: I have a toothache, I'm going to the dentist. Mom: Okay. What time is the appointment? Dad: Tooth hurty. Mom: ... Wow. I feel so bad… A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson
Son, you did good? Terrific! Everyone clapped Why didn't the astronaut ever come home to his wife? Because he needed his space! Sherlock Holmes comes home with a box of lemons...
Watson asks where he got them. Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, my dear Watson." A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had." A Sarah, Yankel's wife doesn't come home one night. The next morning, the she tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. Yankel being the suspicious type then contacted all of her friends asking about it and whadaya know none of them said that she was there. A few nights later, Yankel doesn't come home one night. Just like his wife, the next morning he tells her that he had slept over at a friend's place. Sarah as well was suspicious and contacted all of the Yankel's friends to ask about it and would you believe it, apparently Yankel was at 8 houses, 2 of which said he was still there! James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor. He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open. James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the floor with every pull. As he rounds the corner to his apartment, James pulls himself up to the door knob, inserts the key and twist it and the door open. As much expected, James collapses to the floor, unable to support himself in this drunken state. James finally makes it up the stairs to the room where his wife is soundly sleeping. He wrestles with himself while removing his clothes, attempting to be as quiet as possible. James decides that he cannot make it into the shower to clean himself off, and he pulls himself up into bed. Unsuccessfully, James awoke his wife on his way into bed. She stared at him angrily and said, "You were out at the bar again, weren't you?"
"No," said James, trying to sound inconspicuous. "I was out at the movies with some buddies."
"Don't lie to me." Said his wife. "The bar called and they said you left your wheelchair there."
I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!" I said, "I ran out of money!" Avram comes home from Shul one day in grief and despair. His wife asks what happened "Oy vey iz mir" he tells her - So much spending! So much money I am going to lose! Today our rabbi gave a speech: "For many years we are living among Russians but they still don't like us. And we don't even know why. I gave it many a thought and decided that it's because we don't drink vodka. Next time everyone should bring a bottle of vodka with him, we will empty every bottle into a big bowl and nobody will be allowed to leave until we finish all the liquor." So I need to buy a whole bottle of vodka! So much spending! "What a G-d's fool is my husband!" - she answers – "Nothing could be simpler. Go buy a bottle of vodka. I will empty it into this here decanter, fill the bottle with water and seal it back accurately so nobody will notice. Then a single bottle of water won't make any difference in a bowl full of vodka." Avram cheered up, did as he's been told, took a bottle of "vodka" with him to the synagogue next time and humbly emptied it in the bowl like everyone else. The Rabbi took a cup, filled it from the bowl and sipped a bit. Then, in disbelief, sipped much more. Then put the cup aside and sighed: Well, that's why Yanky a 16 year old Jewish boy is coming home from a party ...On the way home , he has to go past graveyard .But since he didn't want to miss the game on the TV , he goes through the graveyard which has a shortcut to his house .
The graveyard was covered with thick fog which was so much that he couldn't see the ground in front of him . Eventually, it happened.
He falls in a grave dug out which had a coffin in it . The height of the grave was too high for the boy to climb out . But Yanky is smart enough to tilt the coffin and climb on it .
After coming out of the grave , he continues walking for a certain distance , until he hears a THUD THUD THUD .When he turns back to see , he sees the coffin out of the grave . Quickly , he starts running . THUD THUD THUD
He reaches his house and closes the door .
THUD THUD THUD
He could now see the coffin on his driveway .He quickly runs up to his bathroom .The coffin crashes through the window .His parents are fast asleep .
THUD THUD
THUD The coffin is coming up through the stairs . THUD THUD THUD
The coffin is in room . THUD THUD THUD
Yanky crying , starts throwing everything he can find on the coffin .Toilet paper, Shampoo , soaps , Perfumes , scent bottles and what not .
THUD THUD THUD The coffin is nearing him . He now starts throwing the medicines . As a final desperate attempt , he throws the cough syrup at it .
Then , at last , the coffin stops . | 
