Monday, July 4, 2011

Headlines from the Year 2059, The one and only Will Rogers and Happy Fourth of July 2011

Thoughts for the Holiday

Live and Love Yehuda Lave

July 4,Year 2059 


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . 

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.  

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States  crops and livestock. 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France  pleads for global help after being taken over by  Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.   

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in  United States ...     
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 

Massachusetts  executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, 
They Had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
Only 3 illegitimate children. 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 


"Never squat while wearing your spurs"


Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the

greatest political sages this country has ever known. 

Enjoy the following: 
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.

Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it

and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence

and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then

to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying

about your age and start bragging about it. 

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. 

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,

think of Algebra. 

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it's such a nice change from being young. 

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,

it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called golf. 

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old

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