The Cynical Philosopher
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? ♦
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. ♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. ♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body. ♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. ♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye. ♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?" ♦ I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." ♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. ♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then. ♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks! ♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something. ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. ♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. ♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. | 
