RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE CAREER JOKES OF THE WEEK Sol Greenwood is retiring from the garment business, and leaving it to his son Stuart.
"It's all yours now son," Sol says. "I've made a good living. You know why? Because of two principles that I've always lived by: honestly and wisdom. Honesty is very important. If you promise the goods by the first of April, no matter what happens in the shop you've got to deliver them by the first of April." "Sure Pop," Stuart says. "And what about wisdom?" "Stuey the wisest thing you can do: don't make any promises." A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed.
The boy went to meet the rabbi. "Ask me any question about the rabbinate," the rabbi declared, "and I'll give you the answer." "Well, besides giving a sermon for about 15 minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked. "You don't want to become a rabbi," the rabbi said. "With questions like that, you want to become the synagogue president!" I just lost my job as a psychic. I did not see that coming.
Now I've gotten into astronomy, and my whole career is looking up. I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone! I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work. I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I couldn't hack it. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. Sure I'm willing to work longer hours at work. As long as they're lunch hours. Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness? Me: I don't know when to quit. Interviewer: You're hired. Me: I quit. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got fired as a yoga instructor. And I bent over backwards for those people! After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. I worked at Krispy Kreme, but I quickly got fed up with the hole business. I had a job at MinuteMaid orange juice. I got fired because I couldn't concentrate. I became an archaeologist. Before long, my career was in ruins. I worked at the bank as a teller for a while…until I starting losing interest. I wanted to be a baker, really kneaded the dough. I considered telemarketing, but it wasn't my calling. I didn't like my job as a waiter. But at least I was putting food on the table. I focused on being a photographer, but nothing ever developed. After that, I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I am always late for work but I make up for it by always leaving early. I hired a handyman and gave him a list of jobs to do. Of the jobs on the list, he only completed numbers 1,3,5 and 7. Turns out he only does odd jobs. If you are in need of a job, you could always try search and rescue. They are always looking for people. I sold glasses for a while but I couldn't really see myself making any money. Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
Which job entails you asking people to pick their nose? A plastic surgeon.
I didn't think my chiropractor was very good. However now I stand corrected. I've been trying to break up with an Optician recently....it's really hard! Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and says 'How about now?'
Employer: For this role the candidate needs to be responsible
Me: I'm your man, in my last job whenever anything bad happened the boss always said to me "you are responsible". I have a hilarious joke about an Israeli postman, but I am afraid you may not get it.
Boss: Why do I always have to come looking for you?
Me: Because a good worker is hard to find. |