| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE HOMESICK JOKES OF THE WEEK Yankel went on a business trip went out for breakfast When the waitress came to his booth, she asked "What can we get you?" Yankel paused and said "I'll tell you what- I'd like the special, but I want my toast burned to a crisp, my egg not really done well, my coffee weak and when you bring me the food I want you to yell at me." Puzzled, the waitress said "What are you, crazy?!" "No," said Yankel - "I'm homesick. An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. Berel walks into a bar and orders 4 beers, and drinks them, and leaves. The next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves. The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "Well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone." This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?" Berel chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I just decided to quit drinking. I came home the other night to find my wife crying on the floor. I said what's wrong? She said I'm homesick . I said what do you mean, you're at home. She said I know. I'm sick of it. What do you call a homesick Asian? Disoriented Yanky's parents were about to leave for a business trip. They told Yanky he would be staying at his Bubby's house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents' car had left the driveway, Yanky started sobbing intensely.His Bubby asked Yanky, "what's wrong? Are you homesick?" Yanky replied "No. I'm heresick". Achmed comes to the United States from Palestine, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to a Palestinian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go to the nearest farm and find a cow. Collect all of their manure and then take it to the chicken coop as well pick up all of their droppings bring the bucket home and stick your head in it and breathe it in for 10 minutes." So Achmed does as the doctor orders he takes the bucket, goes into the other room, breathes in the fumes for ten minutes..He comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor replies, "You were homesick." In Florida the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss New York." To help them out, someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Al Capone Gangsta bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps." Is this a great America or what? A Jew is finally able to leave the Soviet Union to make aliyah and one of the things he takes with him is a giant painting of Stalin with a heavy frame. The Soviet customs officer asks: "Why would you take such a picture with you when you leave the Soviet Union?" The Jew answers: "When I get homesick, I'll just look at the portrait of our great leader and it will be fine". In Israel, the customs officer asks him: "Why the devil would you take a panting of this murdering goy with you to Israel?!" The new oleh answers: "If I ever get homesick, I'll look at this ugly mug and this feeling will be gone very fast!" Some time later a relative meets him in his apartment and asks him about the painting. The new oleh answers: "Who cares who the loser is on the painting, the frame is solid gold!" | 
