| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE PRAYER JOKES OF THE WEEK Yankel listened to the Rebbe at shul one Shabboss morning and when the Rebbe asked those with special requests to come to him at Seuda Shlisheet/(3rd meal) , Yankel came. When it was his turn, Yankel sat down and the Rebbe asked, "What do you want me to help you with?" Yankel said, "Pray for my hearing, Rebbe." The Rebbe put one hand over Yankel's ear and his other hand on top of his head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, "Yankel, how is your hearing now?" Yankel answered, "I don't know, Rebbe. It's next Wednesday at the courthouse!" When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered..so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?" Sol has a job that takes him everywhere and he frequently has problems finding a schul in some of the towns, so he figures G~d is everywhere, and decides to go into a church to worship. He takes out his tallis, puts on his yarmulke, dresses himself and proceeds to pray. The priest comes in and wants to start the services, and, having heard the whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non-Catholics please leave." Sol goes right on davening. Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics please leave." Nobody moves or responds. Finally, the priest gets up and says loudly, "WILL ALL JEWS PLEASE LEAVE!" At this, Sol gets up, folds his tallis, takes off his yarmulke and puts them away. He then goes up to the altar, picks up the statue of the baby Yoshka and says the immortal words: "Come, Tattela, they don't want us here anymore..." An elegantly dressed man starts up the steps of a large temple on Yom Kippur. At the front door, a security guard stops him:
"Are you a member of this synagogue, sir?" the guard asks. "No." "Did you purchase a ticket to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services here?" "No, I did not," the man says. "I'm sorry," the guard says, "but you are forbidden to enter the synagogue then." The man is desperate. "I have a very important message to give to Mr. Brian Goldstein. It's a matter of the greatest importance, an emergency. His wife just had a baby. You must let me in to speak with him." "Okay, okay," the guard finally says. "I'll let you in. But if I catch you davening..." Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, "You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter." Mrs Gold replied, "Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter." Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response. "Really?" he said. "Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, 'what am I here after?' and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, 'what am I here after?' I do it all the time now." A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That's very commendable. What does she actually say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's finally in bed!" The CEO of KFC requests an audience with the Pope. After some discussion, the CEO tells the Pope that he has a proposition. The company will make a $1 billion donation to the Catholic Church on one condition- that the Lord's Prayer wording be officially changed from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The pontiff says that he will have to consult with the cardinals. After much debate, it is agreed that they will accept this proposal. The Pope turns to his secretary and says "get our legal team on the phone." "You mean so that they can set up a contract with KFC?" "Yes," says the Pope, "and also to find a way we can get out of our contract with the bread people." A priest was approached one night by Satan himself. "Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear." The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days." The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. "Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!" He told over his strange encounter. The bishop was shocked. "A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!" But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop. "Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!" He told over the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. "Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!" But the priest wasn't convinced. He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he'd receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope. The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. "Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!" "Sorry, could you speak a little louder?" Asked the Pope. A ship was sinking and the captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers". A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully. "Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets". A guy was giving the opening prayer at a convention and he said, "Life is a mystery everyone must stand alone I hear you call my name and it feels like home." So the MC said, "That's not really a prayer." And the guy said, "Well no, but it's like a prayer." (I'm not explaining that one… you either get it or you don't…) Tommy was just a little Christian kid who used to pray for a bicycle. Then as he grew older he learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works. So he stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness. Yankel is out shopping one day when she meets Rabbi Levy. "Hello rabbi," he says. "How are you? I hope you are keeping well." "Well if I'm not mistaken," says Rabbi Levy, "it's Mr. Gross, isn't it?" "Yes rabbi, it is," replies Yankel "I haven't seen you in shul now for quite some time," says Rabbi Levy. "I know," says Yankel, looking quite embarrassed, "I stopped going to shul some time ago because every time I went, it was always the same old thing." "Always the same thing?" asks Rabbi Levy, looking puzzled, "I don't understand you." "You know, rabbi," explains Yankel, "KOL NIDRAY..." Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he told his visiting sister Sarah angrily, "I'm not going to shul today!" "Yes you are," Sarah replied calmly. "No I'm not. I don't want to go there ever again! The people down there don't like me, they ignore me...they don't appreciate me at all...and I won't go back." "You will go to shul today, and you will continue to go too," said Sarah with confidence, "and I'll give you two reasons. Number one, you're 45 years old and number two – you're the rabbi!" Gladys Dunn started reading some books about Judaism and decided that she wanted to start going to shul. There was one near her house so she went early one Shabbat morning. The shul itself was beautiful and the people seemed friendly but the Rabbi's sermon seemed to go on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking woman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." She replied, "You and me both!" | 
