| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S ATHEIST JOKES OF THE WEEK What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of God
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money." — George Carlin
What does it say on the atheist's tombstone? All dressed up and no place to go.
A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, "I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, "Joey, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!" What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death..
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with Arnold looking very unhappy.
"What's the matter, Hannah?" asks her mother. "Arnold has asked me to marry him," she replies. "Mazeltov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks. "Because he also told me that he was an atheist. He doesn't even believe in Gehenom." Her mother then says, "That's alright Hannah, it really isn't a problem. I suggest you marry him and then I will show him how wrong he is." Yanky came home to his mother after running away from a few years. He was certainly not the young yeshiva student that he was when he left home after being thrown out of yeshiva. His mother turned to him and asked him if he was still religious? Yanky, turned his eyes down and told his mother that he no longer believed in God and didn't keep the commandments anymore.
In shock and horror his mother asked him if he kept Shabbos. And once again Yanky answered that he no longer kept that sacred day, it wasn't for him. "What about kosher? Do you still watch what you eat? "I told you Ma, I don't believe in that stuff anymore.." Yom Kippur? Pesach? The holidays? Are you doing any of those still? "I'm sorry Mommy to disappoint you, but I have to be honest. I can't and don't keep any of those any more. They don't have meaning to me.." Finally pulling out her last card and hope for any connection to yiddishkeit, his mother from Boro Park asked… "What about when you see a dog, Yanky? Do you still scream "U'lchol bnai Yisrael lo yechratz kelev l'shono…"
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