| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S CHANGED MAN JOKES OF THE WEEK "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said Yankel. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached. "Ah," he said, "That's my altar ego." A Berel and his wife Shaindel went shopping together just before the holidays. Shaindel quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone. After Berel picked up the phone his wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!" He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up and said "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!" she replied. "Well I am in the ice cream shop next door to that. My Husband died. After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years. But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it Yanky and Esti were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies. "We can't afford it. Put it back," Esti demands. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. "So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts Yanky. "The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool." Abe steps out of his building to hail a taxi and immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, just like Saul."
"Who's Saul?" asks the passenger. "Saul Gold, of course," says the cabbie. "Now there was someone who got what he wanted — like a taxi just when he needed it. Not like me; I always have to wait ages when I nee something." "Nobody's perfect," says the passenger. "Except Saul," says the cabbie. "Saul was a great athlete and could have played in the NFL. Not like me – I'm just a couch potato. Saul danced like Astaire. Not like me. I've got two left feet." "Sounds like Saul was really someone special." "You can say that again," says the cabbie. "He even remembered everyone's birthday. Not like me. I always forget important birthdays and anniversaries. And Saul could fix anything in the house. Not like me. If I change a fuse, the whole neighborhood has a power failure. And Saul knew how to treat his wife. He could always make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong. He always complimented her on dinner. Not like me. I'm always getting into arguments with my wife." "What an amazing person. How did you meet him?" asks the passenger. "Well, I never actually met Saul," replies the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the passenger. "I married his widow," replies the cabbie. Dudu received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't were very rude. Dudu tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things and playing soft music anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. When he shook the bird, it got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Dudu put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, Dudu quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Dudu was astounded at the bird's change in attitude. Before he could ask what changed him, the parrot said, "May I ask what the chicken did?" Bernie says marriage is not a word, it's a sentence, a life sentence. Sadie says marriage is a three-ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. Bernie and Sadie say that married life is full of excitement and frustration, • In the first year of marriage the man speaks and the woman listens • In the second year the woman speaks and the man listens • In the third year they both speak and the neighbors listen. Sadie says that getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends, you order what you want but when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead. Bernie says a happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true in ancient China a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Father: That's true everywhere, son. Sadie says love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. Bernie says that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's love, but after marriage, it's self-defence. Bernie told Sadie during their courtship that he would go through hell for her, they got married and now he IS going through hell. Confucius, he say, "man who sinks into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink." Bernie and Sadie say marriage is when man and a woman become one, the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Bernie says before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves, after the marriage the "Y" becomes silent. Bernie says it's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer. Bernie says man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished. Sadie says it doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. Bernie inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE. Sadie says when a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is. Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their 80's, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names." Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago." | 
