"This is quite clever. I wonder who thinks of all his stuff.
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman,but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance company,but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
How Europeans got their Names....
DON'T MISS THE YIDDISH POEM AT THE END.
Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Europeans did not get surnames
in Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century.
Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon , Russia ,
Poland and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes.
After Napoleon's defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned
to "son of" names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON, etc.
During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to
take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last
names in the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It's probable that
some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less.
In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the
16th century. Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back
centuries..
Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews.
They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left
for America .
The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.
In general there were Five types of names (people had to pay for
their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):
1-- Names that were descriptive of the head of
household:
Examples:
HOCH (tall) ,
KLEIN (small),
COHEN (a Kohen-one of the tribes who were the priests)
BURGER (village dweller),
SHEIN (good looking),
LEVI (temple singer-also one of the tribes like me)
GROSS (large),
SCHWARTZ (dark or black),
WEISS (white),
KURTZ (short)
2 -- Names describing occupations:
Examples:
HOLTZ (wood)
HOLTZKOCKER (wood chopper),
GELTSCHMIDT (goldsmith),
SCHNEIDER (tailor),
KREIGSMAN (warrior),
MALAMED (teacher)
EISEN (iron),
FISCHER (fish)
3-- Names from city of residence:
Examples:
BERLIN ,
FRANKFURTER,
DANZIGER,
OPPENHEIMER,
DEUTSCH (German)
POLLACK (Polish),
BRESLAU ,
MANNHEIM ,
CRACOW ,
WARSHAW
4 -- Bought names:
Examples:
GLUCK (luck),
ROSEN (roses),
ROSENBLATT (rose paper or leaf),
ROSENBERG (rose mountain),
ROTHMAN (red man),
DIAMOND,
KOENIG (king),
KOENIGSBERG (king's mountain),
SPIELMAN (spiel is to play),
LIEBER (lover),
BERG (mountain),
WASSERMAN (water dweller),
KERSHENBLATT (church paper),
STEIN (glass).
5-- Assigned names (usually undesirable):
Examples:
PLOTZ (to die),
KLUTZ (clumsy),
BILLIG (cheap)
DREK (sh*t)
Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers:
Woody Allen --- Alan Stewart Koenigsberg
June Allyson --- Ella Geisman
Lauren Bacall --- Betty Joan Perske
Jack Benny --- Benjamin Kubelsky
Irving Berlin --- Israel Baline
Milton Berle --- Milton Berlinger
Joey Bishop ---Joseph Gottlieb
Karen Black --- Karen Blanche Ziegler
Victor Borge --- Borge Rosenbaum
Fanny Brice --- Fanny Borach
Mel Brooks --- Melvin Kaminsky
George Burns --- Nathan Birnbaum
Eddie Cantor --- Edward Israel Iskowitz
Jeff Chandler --- Ira Grossel
Lee J. Cobb --- Amos Jacob
Tony Curtis --- Bernard Schwartz
Rodney Dangerfield --- Jacob Cohen
Kirk Douglas --- Issue Danielovich Demsky
Melvyn Douglas --- Melvyn Hesselberg
Bob Dylan --- Bobby Zimmerman
Paulette Goddard --- Marion Levy
Lee Grant --- Lyova Geisman
Elliot Gould --- Elliot Goldstein
Judy Holliday --- Judith Tuvim
Al Jolson --- Asa Yoelson
Danny Kaye --- David Daniel Kaminsky
Michael Landon --- Michael Orowitz
Steve Lawrence --- Sidney Leibowitz
Jerry Lewis --- Joseph Levitch
Peter Lorre --- Lazlo Lowenstein
Elaine May --- Elaine Berlin
Yves Montand --- Ivo Levy
Mike Nichols --- Michael Peschkowsky
Joan Rivers --- Joan Molinsky
Edward G. Robinson -- Emanuel Goldenberg
Jane Seymour --- Joyce Penelope Frankenburg
Simone Signoret --- Simone-Henriette Kaminker
Beverly Sills --- Belle Silverman
Sophie Tucker --- Sophia Kalish
Gene Wilder --- Gerald Silberman
YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact
I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish
though, I'm talking out my tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels,
and let's not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the
listener, So much better than "a pill "
is to call someone 'farbissener'.
Or - that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,
But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.....
And A gezunt auf dein kup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GLOSSARY
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Con fused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role
of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person,
butter-fingered;
dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent
person;
same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with
perpetual bad
luck
(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the
Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves
(Lit.., Don't bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it!
Nonsense!
(Lit., a night's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well
said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense
Day Three finishes with our tour of Ottawa--better than going to Washington DC and a lot cleaner:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOFPBqLU1yU
Love Yehuda
--
Visit my Blog: http://yehudalave.blogspot.com/
