Tuesday, February 4, 2020

The 25 Funniest Jewish Comedians in History and Meet the Jewish travel blogger who soon will have visited every country and Final Thoughts: Democrats Delete G-d and today is a special blessing for your income and health

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Yehuda Lave, Spiritual Advisor and Counselor

Yehuda Lave is an author, journalist, psychologist, rabbi, spiritual teacher and coach, with degrees in business, psychology and Jewish Law. He works  with people from all walks of life and helps them in their search for greater happiness, meaning, business advice on saving money,  and spiritual engagement

In this week's Torah portion (read this coming Saturday in the Synagogue) we learn about the Splitting of the Red Sea and the falling of the "Manna" which the Jews ate in the desert for forty years. As a result  today there is a special prayer to be said for our income and health. While I am a rationalist Jew and don't go into for a lot these types of traditions, as they say, "it couldn't hurt!"

Love Yehuda Lave

 Two old friends met each other on the street one day. One looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What has the world done to you, my old friend?"

     The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you: three weeks ago, my uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

     I am sorry for your loss, but that's a lot of money."

     But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died and left me eighty-five thousand dollars." His friend replied, "Sounds to me that you've been very blessed."

     "You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million from her." Now the man's friend was really confused. "Then, why do you look so glum?"

     This week…nothing!"

today is a special blessing for your income and health

Once a Year: Don't Miss This Special Segulah for Livelihood

on Tuesday of Parshat Beshalach the Chapter of the "Mahn" should be said

In the Name of the Holy Rabbi Mendel of Riminov it was said that it is a special segulah (spiritual omen) to say the chapter of the 'mahn' twice and translated once on the Tuesday of the week we read Beshalach in that Shabbat.

Why? What is so special about the chapter about the mahn?

1. In the Sefer Hayashar the "Book of the Straight" from Rabbenu Tam it is written that: "The main trait of all good traits is faith and trust, to believe with complete faith that the Creator blessed be He, is the leader and watches over everyone and provides each individual what he lacks. And that a person cannot even touch a hair breath of what is prepared for his friend.

 Through this he will come to trust as his heart will be sure and secure with G-d that all that is prepared for him from G-d will get to him without any extra effort and he won't spend his days with worries and vanities trying to amass wealth for he believes and has faith that he has no ability of his own rather what is budgeted for him from the heavens that is what he will have – no more and no less."   

2. Rabbeinu Bachya explains why G-d made the mahn fall at night. "And they would awaken in the morning and find their food ready with no effort in order to teach them that one who goes in G-d's path  will find his sustenance without toil and effort."

3. This is why it is brought down in the Shulchan Aruch (code of laws) 1,5, that it's good to say the chapter of the akeda- Binding every morning and the chapter of the mahn. The Rabbeinu Bachya adds that whoever says the Chapter of the Mahn every day is guaranteed never to lack sustenance. The Tashbatz says in the name of the Jerusalem Talmud that whoever says the chapter of the mahn daily will never lack for sustenance and he adds "I guarantee this". This is because a person will always know where to turn when lacking livelihood.

4.The Taz explains that "This is in order that a person believe all his sustenance comes providentially from on High."

5.The Mishna Berurah adds: "This teaches us that more effort doesn't help. Just as 'the one who added mahn more than his portion didn't have more' and 'the one who took less didn't have less' everyone had an omer per head as ordained from heaven. From this man should learn that more effort for livelihood add more income and food and the opposite, less effort won't diminish his income and livelihood and G-d will fill in what he lacks according to what was decreed."

6. The opposite is also true. Whoever lacks faith in G-d will diminish his blessing and livelihood. The Chiddushei HaRim explains that G-d commanded a jar of mahn be preserved for future generations for all to see that G-d provides endlessly for the ones who fear Him. Those who chase after their livelihood with worry and fear that they'll lack bread and have no faith in G-d blessed be He who truly watches over all and provides for all of his creations without any stop at all, they cause harm to their blessing sent from above and, so to speak, weaken G-d's ability to bestow good on them and bring about lack upon themselves."

7. There is a custom to bring food to the birds before this Shabbat. Rabbi Elimelech Biderman explains that the source of this is that: "Birds approaching their food bend their heads down and take the food and immediately lift their heads upwards and the repeat this cycle as they eat; down and up. This teaches us that one should expend some effort for livelihood but remember to immediately lift up your head and hope to G-d for He is the one who will provide you with your livelihood."

8. We said before in the Name of the Holy Rabbi Mendel of Riminov that it is a special segulah to say the chapter of the 'mahn' twice and translated once on the Tuesday of the week we read Beshalach that Shabbat.

9. Before saying the chapter of the mahn there is a prayer and another one afterwards. One can say the chapter on Shabbat but the prayers for livelihood before and after should not be said on Shabbat.
   חכמינו ז"ל אמרו: כל מי שיאמר פרשת המן בכל יום לא תחסר לו פרנסה. ולפני אמירת הפרשה אומרים את היהי רצון.
ומותר לומר פרשת המן אפילו בשבת, אלא שאת התפלות על הפרנסה לא יאמר בשבת.
יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנֶיךָ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ שֶׁתַּזְמִין פַּרְנָסָה לְכָל עַמְּךָ בֵּית יִשְׂרָאֵל וּפַרְנָסָתִי וּפַרְנָסַת אַנְשֵׁי בֵיתִי בִּכְלָלָם. בְּנַחַת וְלֹא בְּצַעַר בְּכָבוֹד וְלֹא בְּבִזּוּי בְּהֶתֵּר וְלֹא בְּאִסּוּר כְּדֵי שֶׁנּוּכַל לַעֲבוֹד עֲבוֹדָתֶךָ וְלִלְמוֹד תּוֹרָתֶךָ כְּמוֹ שֶׁזַנְתָּ לַאֲבוֹתֵינוּ מָן בַּמִּדְבָּר בְּאֶרֶץ צִיָּה וַעֲרָבָה: וַיֹּאמֶר יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה הִנְנִי מַמְטִיר לָכֶם לֶחֶם מִן הַשָּׁמָיִם וְיָצָא הָעָם וְלָקְטוּ דְּבַר יוֹם בְּיוֹמוֹ לְמַעַן אֲנַסֶּנּוּ הֲיֵלֵךְ בְּתוֹרָתִי אִם לֹא: וַיֹּאמֶר יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה הִנְנִי מַמְטִיר לָכֶם לֶחֶם מִן הַשָּׁמָיִם וְיָצָא הָעָם וְלָקְטוּ דְּבַר יוֹם בְּיוֹמוֹ לְמַעַן אֲנַסֶּנּוּ הֲיֵלֵךְ בְּתוֹרָתִי אִם לֹא:  
וַאֲמַר יְיָ לְמֹשֶׁה הָא אֲנָא מָחֵית לְכוֹן לַחְמָא מִן שְׁמַיָּא וְיִפְּקוּן עַמָּא וְיִלְקְטוּן פִּתְגַּם יוֹם בְּיוֹמֵיהּ בְּדִיל דַּאֲנַסִּנּוּן הַיְהָכוּן בְּאוֹרַיְתִי אִם לָא: וְהָיָה בַּיּוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי וְהֵכִינוּ אֵת אֲשֶׁר יָבִיאוּ וְהָיָה מִשְׁנֶה עַל אֲשֶׁר יִלְקְטוּ יוֹם יוֹם: וְהָיָה בַּיּוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי וְהֵכִינוּ אֵת אֲשֶׁר יָבִיאוּ וְהָיָה מִשְׁנֶה עַל אֲשֶׁר יִלְקְטוּ יוֹם יוֹם:  
וִיהֵי בְּיוֹמָא שְׁתִיתָאָה וִיתַקְּנוּן יָת דְּיַיְתוּן וִיהֵי עַל חַד תְּרֵין עַל דְּיִלְקְטוּן יוֹם יוֹם: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה וְאַהֲרֹן אֶל כָּל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל עֶרֶב וִידַעְתֶּם כִּי יְיָ הוֹצִיא אֶתְכֶם מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה וְאַהֲרֹן אֶל כָּל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל עֶרֶב וִידַעְתֶּם כִּי יְיָ הוֹצִיא אֶתְכֶם מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה וְאַהֲרֹן לְכָל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּרַמְשָׁא וְתִדְּעוּן אֲרֵי יְיָ אַפֵּיק יָתְכוֹן מֵאַרְעָא דְמִצְרָיִם: וּבֹקֶר וּרְאִיתֶם אֶת כְּבוֹד יְיָ בְּשָׁמְעוֹ אֶת תְּלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם עַל יְיָ וְנַחְנוּ מָה כִּי תַלִּינוּ עָלֵינוּ: וּבֹקֶר וּרְאִיתֶם אֶת כְּבוֹד יְיָ בְּשָׁמְעוֹ אֶת תְּלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם עַל יְיָ וְנַחְנוּ מָה כִּי תַלִּינוּ עָלֵינוּ:  
וּבְצַפְרָא וְתֶחֱזוּן יָת יְקָרָא דַיְיָ כַּד שְׁמִיעַ (קֳדָמוֹהִי) יָת תֻּרְעֲמוּתְכוֹן עַל מֵימְרָא דַיְיָ וְנַחְנָא מָה אֲרֵי אַתְרַעַמְתּוּן עֲלָנָא: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה בְּתֵת יְיָ לָכֶם בָּעֶרֶב בָּשָׂר לֶאֱכֹל וְלֶחֶם בַּבֹּקֶר לִשְׂבֹּעַ בִּשְׁמֹעַ יְיָ אֶת תְּלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם אֲשֶׁר אַתֶּם מַלִּינִם עָלָיו וְנַחְנוּ מָה לֹא עָלֵינוּ תְלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם כִּי עַל יְיָ: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה בְּתֵת יְיָ לָכֶם בָּעֶרֶב בָּשָׂר לֶאֱכֹל וְלֶחֶם בַּבֹּקֶר לִשְׂבֹּעַ בִּשְׁמֹעַ יְיָ אֶת תְּלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם אֲשֶׁר אַתֶּם מַלִּינִם עָלָיו וְנַחְנוּ מָה לֹא עָלֵינוּ תְלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם כִּי עַל יְיָ:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה בִּדְיִתַּן יְיָ לְכוֹן בְּרַמְשָׁא בִּסְרָא לְמֵיכַל וְלַחְמָא בְּצַפְרָא לְמִסְבַּע בְּדִשְׁמִיעַן קֳדָם יְיָ יָת תֻּרְעֲמוּתְכוֹן דִּי אַתּוּן מִתְרַעֲמִין עֲלוֹהִי וְנַחְנָא מָא לָא עֲלָנָא תֻּרְעֲמוּתְכוֹן אֶלָּהֵן עַל מֵימְרָא דַיְיָ: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֶל אַהֲרֹן אֱמֹר אֶל כָּל עֲדַת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל קִרְבוּ לִפְנֵי יְיָ כִּי שָׁמַע אֵת תְּלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֶל אַהֲרֹן אֱמֹר אֶל כָּל עֲדַת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל קִרְבוּ לִפְנֵי יְיָ כִּי שָׁמַע אֵת תְּלֻנֹּתֵיכֶם:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה לְאַהֲרֹן אֱמַר לְכָל כְּנִשְׁתָּא דִּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל קְרִיבוּ קֳדָם יְיָ אֲרֵי שְׁמִיעַן קֳדָמוֹהִי יָת תֻּרְעֲמוּתְכוֹן: וַיְהִי כְּדַבֵּר אַהֲרֹן אֶל כָּל עֲדַת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיִּפְנוּ אֶל הַמִּדְבָּר וְהִנֵּה כְּבוֹד יְיָ נִרְאָה בֶּעָנָן: וַיְהִי כְּדַבֵּר אַהֲרֹן אֶל כָּל עֲדַת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיִּפְנוּ אֶל הַמִּדְבָּר וְהִנֵּה כְּבוֹד יְיָ נִרְאָה בֶּעָנָן:  
וַהֲוָה כַּד מַלִּיל אַהֲרֹן עִם כָּל כְּנִשְׁתָּא דִבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וְאִתְפְּנִיּוּ לְמַדְבְּרָא וְהָא יְקָרָא דַיְיָ אִתְגְּלִי בַּעֲנָנָא: וַיְדַבֵּר יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר: וַיְדַבֵּר יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר:  
וּמַלִּיל יְיָ עִם מֹשֶׁה לְמֵימָר: שָׁמַעְתִּי אֶת תְּלוּנֹּת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל דַּבֵּר אֲלֵהֶם לֵאמֹר בֵּין הָעַרְבַּיִם תֹּאכְלוּ בָשָׂר וּבַבֹּקֶר תִּשְׂבְּעוּ לָחֶם וִידַעְתֶּם כִּי אֲנִי יְיָ אֱלֹהֵיכֶם:  שָׁמַעְתִּי אֶת תְּלוּנֹּת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל דַּבֵּר אֲלֵהֶם לֵאמֹר בֵּין הָעַרְבַּיִם תֹּאכְלוּ בָשָׂר וּבַבֹּקֶר תִּשְׂבְּעוּ לָחֶם וִידַעְתֶּם כִּי אֲנִי יְיָ אֱלֹהֵיכֶם:  
שְׁמִיעַ קֳדָמַי יָת תֻּרְעֲמַת בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל מַלֵּיל עִמְּהוֹן לְמֵימַר בֵּין שִׁמְשַׁיָּא תֵּיכְלוּן בִּסְרָא וּבְצַפְרָא תִּשְׂבְּעוּן לַחְמָא וְתִדְּעוּן אֲרֵי אֲנָא יְיָ אֱלָהָכוֹן: וַיְהִי בָעֶרֶב וַתַּעַל הַשְּׂלָו וַתְּכַס אֶת הַמַּחֲנֶה וּבַבֹּקֶר הָיְתָה שִׁכְבַת הַטָּל סָבִיב לַמַּחֲנֶה: וַיְהִי בָעֶרֶב וַתַּעַל הַשְּׂלָו וַתְּכַס אֶת הַמַּחֲנֶה וּבַבֹּקֶר הָיְתָה שִׁכְבַת הַטָּל סָבִיב לַמַּחֲנֶה:  
וַהֲוָה בְרַמְשָׁא וּסְלֵיקַת סְלָיו וַחֲפַת יָת מַשְׁרִיתָא וּבְצַפְרָא הֲוַת נְחָתַת טַלָּא סְחוֹר סְחוֹר לְמַשְׁרִיתָא: וַתַּעַל שִׁכְבַת הַטָּל וְהִנֵּה עַל פְּנֵי הַמִּדְבָּר דַּק מְחֻסְפָּס דַּק כַּכְּפֹר עַל הָאָרֶץ: וַתַּעַל שִׁכְבַת הַטָּל וְהִנֵּה עַל פְּנֵי הַמִּדְבָּר דַּק מְחֻסְפָּס דַּק כַּכְּפֹר עַל הָאָרֶץ:  
וּסְלֵיקַת נְחָתַת טַלָּא וְהָא עַל אַפֵּי מַדְבְּרָא דַּעְדַּק מְקַלַּף דַּעְדַּק כְּגִיר כִּגְלִידָא עַל אַרְעָא: וַיִּרְאוּ בְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ אִישׁ אֶל אָחִיו מָן הוּא כִּי לֹא יָדְעוּ מַה הוּא וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֲלֵהֶם הוּא הַלֶּחֶם אֲשֶׁר נָתַן יְיָ לָכֶם לְאָכְלָה: וַיִּרְאוּ בְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ אִישׁ אֶל אָחִיו מָן הוּא כִּי לֹא יָדְעוּ מַה הוּא וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֲלֵהֶם הוּא הַלֶּחֶם אֲשֶׁר נָתַן יְיָ לָכֶם לְאָכְלָה:  
וַחֲזוֹ בְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַאֲמָרוּ גְּבַר לַאֲחוּהִי מַנָּא הוּא אֲרֵי לָא יְדָעוּ מָה הוּא וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה לְהוֹן הוּא לַחְמָא דִּיהַב יְיָ לְכוֹן לְמֵיכָל: זֶה הַדָּבָר אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְיָ לִקְטוּ מִמֶּנּוּ אִישׁ לְפִי אָכְלוֹ עֹמֶר לַגֻּלְגֹּלֶת מִסְפַּר נַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶם אִישׁ לַאֲשֶׁר בְּאָהֳלוֹ תִּקָּחוּ: זֶה הַדָּבָר אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְיָ לִקְטוּ מִמֶּנּוּ אִישׁ לְפִי אָכְלוֹ עֹמֶר לַגֻּלְגֹּלֶת מִסְפַּר נַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶם אִישׁ לַאֲשֶׁר בְּאָהֳלוֹ תִּקָּחוּ:  
דֵּין פִּתְגָּמָא דִּי פַקִּיד יְיָ לְקוּטוּ מִנֵּיהּ גְּבַר לְפוּם מֵיכְלֵיהּ עֻמְרָא לְגֻלְגַּלְתָּא מִנְיַן נַפְשָׁתֵיכוֹן גְּבַר לְדִי בְמַשְׁכְּנֵיהּ תִּסְּבוּן: וַיַּעֲשׂוּ כֵן בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיִּלְקְטוּ הַמַּרְבֶּה וְהַמַּמְעִיט: וַיַּעֲשׂוּ כֵן בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיִּלְקְטוּ הַמַּרְבֶּה וְהַמַּמְעִיט:  
וַעֲבָדוּ כֵן בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וּלְקָטוּ דְּאַסְגֵּי וּדְאַזְעֵר: וַיָּמֹדּוּ בָעֹמֶר וְלֹא הֶעְדִּיף הַמַּרְבֶּה וְהַמַּמְעִיט לֹא הֶחְסִיר אִישׁ לְפִי אָכְלוֹ לָקָטוּ: וַיָּמֹדּוּ בָעֹמֶר וְלֹא הֶעְדִּיף הַמַּרְבֶּה וְהַמַּמְעִיט לֹא הֶחְסִיר אִישׁ לְפִי אָכְלוֹ לָקָטוּ:  
וּכְלוֹ בְעֻמְרָא וְלָא אוֹתַר דְּאַסְגֵּי וּדְאַזְעֵר לָא חַסִּיר גְּבַר לְפוּם מֵיכְלֵיהּ לְקָטוּ: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֲלֵהֶם אִישׁ אַל יוֹתֵר מִמֶּנּוּ עַד בֹּקֶר: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֲלֵהֶם אִישׁ אַל יוֹתֵר מִמֶּנּוּ עַד בֹּקֶר:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה לְהוֹן אֱנַשׁ לָא יַשְׁאַר מִנֵּיהּ עַד צַפְרָא: וְלֹא שָׁמְעוּ אֶל משֶׁה וַיּוֹתִרוּ אֲנָשִׁים מִמֶּנּוּ עַד בֹּקֶר וַיָּרֻם תּוֹלָעִים וַיִּבְאַשׁ וַיִּקְצֹף עֲלֵהֶם משֶׁה: וְלֹא שָׁמְעוּ אֶל משֶׁה וַיּוֹתִרוּ אֲנָשִׁים מִמֶּנּוּ עַד בֹּקֶר וַיָּרֻם תּוֹלָעִים וַיִּבְאַשׁ וַיִּקְצֹף עֲלֵהֶם משֶׁה:  
וְלָא קַבִּילוּ מִן מֹשֶׁה וְאַשְׁאָרוּ גֻבְרַיָּא מִנֵּיהּ עַד צַפְרָא וּרְחֵשׁ רִיחֲשָׁא וּסְרִי וּרְגֵז עֲלֵיהוֹן מֹשֶׁה: וַיִּלְקְטוּ אֹתוֹ בַּבֹּקֶר בַּבֹּקֶר אִישׁ כְּפִי אָכְלוֹ וְחַם הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ וְנָמָס: וַיִּלְקְטוּ אֹתוֹ בַּבֹּקֶר בַּבֹּקֶר אִישׁ כְּפִי אָכְלוֹ וְחַם הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ וְנָמָס:  
וּלְקָטוּ יָתֵיהּ בִּצְפַר בִּצְפָר גְּבַר לְפוּם מֵיכְלֵיהּ וּמָה דְמִשְׁתָּאַר מִנֵּיהּ עַל אַפֵּי חַקְלָא כַּד חֲמָא עֲלוֹהִי שִׁמְשָׁא פָּשָׁר: וַיְהִי בַּיּוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי לָקְטוּ לֶחֶם מִשְׁנֶה שְׁנֵי הָעֹמֶר לָאֶחָד וַיָּבֹאוּ כָּל נְשִׂיאֵי הָעֵדָה וַיַּגִּידוּ לְמשֶׁה: וַיְהִי בַּיּוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי לָקְטוּ לֶחֶם מִשְׁנֶה שְׁנֵי הָעֹמֶר לָאֶחָד וַיָּבֹאוּ כָּל נְשִׂיאֵי הָעֵדָה וַיַּגִּידוּ לְמשֶׁה:  
וַהֲוָה בְּיוֹמָא שְׁתִיאָתָאָה לְקָטוּ לַחְמָא עַל חַד תְּרֵין תְּרֵין עֻמְרִין לְחַד וְאֲתוֹ כָּל רַבְרְבֵי כְנִשְׁתָּא וְחַוִּיאוּ לְמֹשֶׁה: וַיֹּאמֶר אֲלֵהֶם הוּא אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר יְיָ שַׁבָּתוֹן שַׁבַּת קֹדֶשׁ לַיְיָ מָחָר אֵת אֲשֶׁר תֹּאפוּ אֵפוּ וְאֵת אֲשֶׁר תְּבַשְּׁלוּ בַּשֵּׁלוּ וְאֵת כָּל הָעֹדֵף הַנִּיחוּ לָכֶם לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת עַד הַבֹּקֶר: וַיֹּאמֶר אֲלֵהֶם הוּא אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר יְיָ שַׁבָּתוֹן שַׁבַּת קֹדֶשׁ לַיְיָ מָחָר אֵת אֲשֶׁר תֹּאפוּ אֵפוּ וְאֵת אֲשֶׁר תְּבַשְּׁלוּ בַּשֵּׁלוּ וְאֵת כָּל הָעֹדֵף הַנִּיחוּ לָכֶם לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת עַד הַבֹּקֶר:  
וַאֲמַר לְהוֹן הוּא דִּי מַלִּיל יְיָ שְׁבָתָא שְׁבַת קוּדְשָׁא קֳדָם יְיָ מְחָר יָת דִּי אַתּוּן עֲתִידִין לְמֵפָא אֱפוֹ וְיָת דִּי אַתּוּן עֲתִידִין לְבַשָּׁלָא בַּשִּׁילוּ וְיָת כָּל מוֹתָרָא אַצְנָעוּ לְכוֹן לְמַטְּרַת עַד צַפְרָא: וַיַּנִּיחוּ אֹתוֹ עַד הַבֹּקֶר כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה משֶׁה וְלֹא הִבְאִישׁ וְרִמָּה לֹא הָיְתָה בּוֹ: וַיַּנִּיחוּ אֹתוֹ עַד הַבֹּקֶר כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה משֶׁה וְלֹא הִבְאִישׁ וְרִמָּה לֹא הָיְתָה בּוֹ:  
וְאַצְנָעוּ יָתֵיהּ עַד צַפְרָא כְּמָא דִּפַקִּיד מֹשֶׁה וְלָא סְרִי וְרִיחֲשָׁא לָא הֲוָה בֵיהּ: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אִכְלֻהוּ הַיּוֹם כִּי שַׁבָּת הַיּוֹם לַיְיָ הַיּוֹם לֹא תִמְצָאֻהוּ בַּשָּׂדֶה: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אִכְלֻהוּ הַיּוֹם כִּי שַׁבָּת הַיּוֹם לַיְיָ הַיּוֹם לֹא תִמְצָאֻהוּ בַּשָּׂדֶה:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה אִכְלוּהִי יוֹמָא דֵין אֲרֵי שַׁבְּתָא יוֹמָא דֵין קֳדָם יְיָ יוֹמָא דֵין לָא תַשְׁכְּחֻנֵּיהּ בְּחַקְלָא: שֵׁשֶׁת יָמִים תִּלְקְטֻהוּ וּבַיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי שַׁבָּת לֹא יִהְיֶה בּוֹ: שֵׁשֶׁת יָמִים תִּלְקְטֻהוּ וּבַיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי שַׁבָּת לֹא יִהְיֶה בּוֹ:  
שִׁתָּא יוֹמִין תִּלְקְטֻנֵּיהּ וּבְיוֹמָא שְׁבִיעָאָה שַׁבְּתָא לָא יְהֵי בֵיהּ: וַיְהִי בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי יָצְאוּ מִן הָעָם לִלְקֹט וְלֹא מָצָאוּ: וַיְהִי בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי יָצְאוּ מִן הָעָם לִלְקֹט וְלֹא מָצָאוּ:  
וַהֲוָה בְּיוֹמָא שְׁבִיעָאָה נְפָקוּ מִן עַמָּא לְמִלְקָט וְלָא אַשְׁכָּחוּ: וַיֹּאמֶר יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה עַד אָנָה מֵאַנְתֶּם לִשְׁמֹר מִצְוֹתַי וְתוֹרֹתָי: וַיֹּאמֶר יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה עַד אָנָה מֵאַנְתֶּם לִשְׁמֹר מִצְוֹתַי וְתוֹרֹתָי:  
וַאֲמַר יְיָ לְמֹשֶׁה עַד אֵימָתַי אַתּוּן מְסָרְבִין לְמִטַּר פִּקּוּדַי וְאוֹרָיָתָי: רְאוּ כִּי יְיָ נָתַן לָכֶם הַשַּׁבָּת עַל כֵּן הוּא נֹתֵן לָכֶם בַּיּוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי לֶחֶם יוֹמָיִם שְׁבוּ אִישׁ תַּחְתָּיו אַל יֵצֵא אִישׁ מִמְּקֹמוֹ בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי: רְאוּ כִּי יְיָ נָתַן לָכֶם הַשַּׁבָּת עַל כֵּן הוּא נֹתֵן לָכֶם בַּיּוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי לֶחֶם יוֹמָיִם שְׁבוּ אִישׁ תַּחְתָּיו אַל יֵצֵא אִישׁ מִמְּקֹמוֹ בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי:  
חֲזוֹ אֲרֵי יְיָ יְהַב לְכוֹן שַׁבְּתָא עַל כֵּן הוּא יָהֵב לְכוֹן בְּיוֹמָא שְׁתִיתָאָה לְחֵם תְּרֵין יוֹמִין תִּיבוּ אֱנַשׁ תְּחוֹתוֹהִי לָא יִפּוֹק אֱנַשׁ מֵאַתְרֵיהּ בְּיוֹמָא שְׁבִיעָאָה: וַיִשְׁבְּתוּ הָעָם בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִעִי: וַיִשְׁבְּתוּ הָעָם בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁבִעִי:   
וְנָחוּ עַמָּא בְּיוֹמָא שְׁבִיעָאָה: וַיִּקְרְאוּ בֵית יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶת שְׁמוֹ מָן וְהוּא כְּזֶרַע גַּד לָבָן וְטַעְמוֹ כְּצַפִּיחִת בִּדְבָשׁ: וַיִּקְרְאוּ בֵית יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶת שְׁמוֹ מָן וְהוּא כְּזֶרַע גַּד לָבָן וְטַעְמוֹ כְּצַפִּיחִת בִּדְבָשׁ:  
וּקְרוֹ בֵית יִשְׂרָאֵל יָת שְׁמֵיהּ מָן וְהוּא כְּבַר זְרַע גַּדָּא חִוָּר וְטַעֲמֵיהּ כְּאִסְקְרֵיטָוָן בִּדְבָשׁ: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה זֶה הַדָּבָר אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְיָ מְלֹא הָעֹמֶר מִמֶּנּוּ לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת לְדֹרֹתֵיכֶם לְמַעַן יִרְאוּ אֶת הַלֶּחֶם אֲשֶׁר הֶאֱכַלְתִּי אֶתְכֶם בַּמִּדְבָּר בְּהוֹצִיאִי אֶתְכֶם מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה זֶה הַדָּבָר אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְיָ מְלֹא הָעֹמֶר מִמֶּנּוּ לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת לְדֹרֹתֵיכֶם לְמַעַן יִרְאוּ אֶת הַלֶּחֶם אֲשֶׁר הֶאֱכַלְתִּי אֶתְכֶם בַּמִּדְבָּר בְּהוֹצִיאִי אֶתְכֶם מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה דֵּין פִּתְגָּמָא דִּי פַקִּיד יְיָ מְלֵי עֻמְרָא מִנֵּיהּ לְמַטְּרָא לְדָרֵיכוֹן בְּדִיל דְּיֶחֱזוּן יָת לַחְמָא דִּי אוֹכָלִית יָתְכוֹן בְּמַדְבְּרָא בְּאַפָּקוּתִי יָתְכוֹן מֵאַרְעָא דְמִצְרָיִם: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֶל אַהֲרֹן קַח צִנְצֶנֶת אַחַת וְתֶן שָׁמָּה מְלֹא הָעֹמֶר מָן וְהַנַּח אֹתוֹ לִפְנֵי יְיָ לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת לְדֹרֹתֵיכֶם: וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה אֶל אַהֲרֹן קַח צִנְצֶנֶת אַחַת וְתֶן שָׁמָּה מְלֹא הָעֹמֶר מָן וְהַנַּח אֹתוֹ לִפְנֵי יְיָ לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת לְדֹרֹתֵיכֶם:  
וַאֲמַר מֹשֶׁה לְאַהֲרֹן סַב צְלוֹחִית חֲדָא וְהַב תַּמָּן מְלֵי עֻמְרָא מָן וְאַצְנַע יָתֵיהּ קֳדָם יְיָ לְמַטְרָא לְדָרֵיכוֹן: כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה וַיַּנִּיחֵהוּ אַהֲרֹן לִפְנֵי הָעֵדֻת לְמִשְׁמָרֶת: כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְיָ אֶל משֶׁה וַיַּנִּיחֵהוּ אַהֲרֹן לִפְנֵי הָעֵדֻת לְמִשְׁמָרֶת:  
כְּמָא דִי פַקִּיד יְיָ לְמֹשֶׁה וְאַצְנְעֵיהּ אַהֲרֹן קֳדָם סַהֲדוּתָא לְמַטְּרָא: וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל אָכְלוּ אֶת הַמָּן אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה עַד בֹּאָם אֶל אֶרֶץ נוֹשָׁבֶת אֶת הַמָּן אָכְלוּ עַד בֹּאָם אֶל קְצֵה אֶרֶץ כְּנָעַן: וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל אָכְלוּ אֶת הַמָּן אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה עַד בֹּאָם אֶל אֶרֶץ נוֹשָׁבֶת אֶת הַמָּן אָכְלוּ עַד בֹּאָם אֶל קְצֵה אֶרֶץ כְּנָעַן:  
וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל אֲכָלוּ יָת מַנָּא אַרְבְּעִין שְׁנִין עַד דְּמֵיתֵיהוֹן לְאַרְעָא יָתְבָתָא יָת מַנָּא אֲכָלוּ עַד דְּאָתוֹ לִסְיָפֵי אַרְעָא דִכְנָעַן: וְהָעֹמֶר עֲשִׂרִית הָאֵיפָה הוּא: וְהָעֹמֶר עֲשִׂרִית הָאֵיפָה הוּא:   
וְעֻמְרָא חַד מִן עַסְרָא בִּתְלָת סְאִין הוּא:         אַתָּה הוּא יְיָ לְבַדֶּךָ אַתָּה עָשִׂיתָ אֶת הַשָּׁמַיִם וּשְׁמֵי הַשָּׁמַיִם הָאָרֶץ וְכָל אֲשֶׁר עָלֶיהָ הַיַּמִים וְכָל אֲשֶׁר בָּהֶם וְאַתָּה מְחַיֶּה אֶת כֻּלָּם וְאַתָּה הוּא שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ נִסִּים וְנִפְלָאוֹת גְּדוֹלוֹת תָּמִיד עִם אֲבוֹתֵינוּ גַּם בַּמִּדְבָּר הִמְטַרְתָּ לָהֶם לֶחֶם מִן הַשָּׁמַיִם וּמִצּוּר הַחַלָּמִישׁ הוֹצֵאתָ לָהֶם מַיִם וְגַם נָתַתָּ לָהֶם כָּל צָרְכֵיהֶם שִׂמְלוֹתָם לֹא בָלְתָה מֵעֲלֵיהֶם כֵּן בְּרַחֲמֶיךָ הָרַבִּים וּבַחֲסָדֶיךָ הָעֲצוּמִים תְּזוּנֵנוּ וּתְפַרְנְסֵנוּ וּתְכַלְכְּלֵנוּ וְתַסְפִּיק לָנוּ כָּל צָרְכֵנוּ וְצָרְכֵי עַמְּךָ בֵּית יִשְׂרָאֵל הַמְרוּבִּים בְּמִלּוּי וּבְרֶוַח בְּלִי טֹרַח וְעָמָל גָּדוֹל מִתַּחַת יָדְךָ הַנְּקִיָּה וְלֹא מִתַּחַת יְדֵי בָשָׂר וָדָם:
יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפָנֶיךָ יְיָ אֱלֹהַי וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתַי שֶׁתָּכִין לִי וּלְאַנְשֵׁי בֵיתִי כָּל מַחֲסוֹרֵנוּ וְתַזְמִין לָנוּ כָּל צָרְכֵנוּ לְכָל יוֹם וָיּוֹם מֵחַיֵּינוּ דֵי מַחֲסוֹרֵנוּ וּלְכָל שָׁעָה וְשָׁעָה מִשָּׁעוֹתֵינוּ דֵי סִפּוּקֵנוּ וּלְכָל עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמֵינוּ דֵי מִחְיָתֵנוּ מִיָּדְךָ הַטוֹבָה וְהָרְחָבָה וְלֹא כְּמִעוּט מִפְעָלֵינוּ וְקוֹצֶר חֲסָדֵינוּ וּמִזְעֵיר גְּמוּלוֹתֵינוּ וְיִהְיוּ מְזוֹנוֹתַי וּמְזוֹנוֹת אַנְשֵׁי בֵיתִי וְזַרְעִי וְזֶרַע זַרְעִי מְסוּרִים בְּיָדְךָ וְלֹא בְּיַד בָּשָׂר וָדָם:

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25 Funniest Jewish Comedians in History by Mark Miller

Celebrating the rich variety of Jewish humor.

In 1978, Time magazine claimed that 80 percent of all stand-up comedians in the United States were Jewish. And this at a time when Jews made up only 3% of the U.S. By way of explanation, psychologist Samuel Janus told a meeting of the American Psychological Association that, "Jewish humor is born of depression and alienation from the general culture. For Jewish comedians, comedy is a defense mechanism to ward off the aggression and hostility of others." Or as Mel Brooks put it: "If they're laughing, how can they bludgeon you to death?"

Freud's "Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious," which was published in 1905, drew almost exclusively on Jewish stories, because, he maintained, they were the funniest and the most interesting. Salcia Landmann, a scholar of Yiddish, argued that Jewish humor is "more acute, more profound and richer in expression than that of any other people."

A 2013 survey from the Pew Research Center, "Portrait of Jewish Americans," found that humor is one of the main qualities that four in 10 of the nation's 5.3 million religious and cultural Jews say is essential to their Jewish identity.

All this comedic examination brings to mind E.B. White's wonderful quote, "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it." Therefore, let us instead celebrate the rich variety of Jewish humor from 25 of the funniest Jewish comedians in history. And for the love of God, let the poor frog live!

Jon Stewart

"We've come from the same history – 2000 years of persecution – we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained; we just never thought of putting it to music." 

Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Billy Crystal

"At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are."

Jerry Seinfeld

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

Jackie Mason

"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money, watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."

Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.."

Mel Brooks

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

Lenny Bruce

"If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish."

George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

Gilda Radner

"Well it just goes to show you, it's always something, you either got a toenail in your hamburger or toilet paper clinging to your shoe." (as Roseanne Roseannadanna on SNL)

Joan Rivers

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

Don Rickles

"Room service is great. If you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich."

Sid Caesar

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius."

Milton Berle

"My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine."

Jerry Lewis

"When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you'."

Jack Benny

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Albert Brooks

"I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters."

Roseanne Barr

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

 

Garry Shandling

"I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."

Robert Klein

"I was in the De Witt Clinton High School marching band. One of the worst bands ever formed. When we played the national anthem, people from every country stood – except Americans."

Nichols & May

"No doubt you are as alarmed as I by the tragic decline in America's language skills. If 10 people read the following sentence: 'Two tanker trucks have just overturned in Alaska, spilling a total of 10,000 gallons of beer onto a highway,' two would find an error in subject-verb agreement, two would find an error in spelling, and six would find a sponge and drive north."

Andy Kaufman

"Okay, now be quiet, I will pay $1000 to any woman that will beat me in this ring. I will not only do that, I will shave my head completely bald if I am beaten here. And any woman that will beat me has an extra prize she will get to marry me. Right here. She will take my hand in marriage. I will offer my hand in marriage if she beats me right here."

Shelly Berman

"If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, 'This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?' And eventually he dies of thirst."

Mort Sahl

"Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not."

Seth Rogen

"I am lazy, but for some reason, I am so paranoid that I end up working hard."

 

The magazine of the authentic Jewish Idea May-June 1989 Iyar-Sivan 5749

The magazine of the authentic Jewish Idea
May-June 1989 Iyar-Sivan 5749
 Israel – There Are No Moderates (excerpts) "Moderates." "Moderates." There are no Arab moderates. There are only clever Arabs and stupid ones. The stupid ones say exactly what they mean: eliminate Israel. The clever ones (and more and more are becoming so) mean exactly the same thing but they are clever.

After defeats in four wars and numerous clashes, they have learned the secret: "say nice, moderate things to guilt-ridden Jews, and they will love you. They will throw money at you. And the Sinai. And hopefully, the "occupied lands"… There are no Arab moderates. And one salutes in awe the ability of Arafat [today it is Abbas} the arch-murderer, to persuade the Jews of lemmingism of his "change of heart," of his "moderation." He must surely be a candidate for the Nobel Prize for not laughing, for not rolling on the floor in hysteria. He has renounced "terrorism?" Of course, but he firmly maintains that to attack the Zionists who "occupy his country" is not terrorism, but rather a war of national liberation. He accepts UN resolutions 242 and 338? To be sure, but within the context of all the UN resolutions on "Palestine," including resolution 181, the one that the "poor Palestinians" rejected in 1947, the one that originally established a Jewish State. Today, Arafat accepts it. He is good. Having been humiliated militarily he accepts it, knowing that it would bring the Jews back to the boundaries of 1947. He accepts all the UN resolutions, including the ones calling for Israel to allow the "refugees" to return to their homes in Israel if they desire to. All the "refugees" who were part of the "poor Palestinians" who attempted to wipe out Israel in 1948. Today, thanks to the 40 years of birth, there are more than two million of them. 

He has recognized the existence of Israel. True. Much in the same way that we all recognize the existence of earthquakes, disease, and roaches. Of course, we recognize them, because they exist. We recognize their existence in order to put an end to their existence. So too with Arafat. He recognizes Israeli existence… Arafat; the PLO; the "Palestinians:" the Arab states. Models of deceit and deception, paragons of duplicity and perfidy. Hands of blood and tongues of pretense. They plan new a Holocaust as they speak peace. No, there are no Arab "moderates." They are liars who cannot live together with themselves, let alone Israel. They all believe that the Jewish State of Israel is a bandit, settler state, that has stolen "Palestine" from them. And because of that, and with deep sadness, one knows that there will be no peace. And let none of the comfortable denizens of Peace Now in Beverly Hills or the woodpeckers of Hollywood or the pompous pulpiteers of Reform liberal temples screech in indignation. Kahane does not want peace! Kahane does not want peace? Where do I live and where do they live? I, who live in Israel and serve in its army and whose children serve in the army, desire peace a great deal more than the shallow liberals and leftists of Peace Now and those paragons of Reform shallowness, Alexander Schindler and Balfour Brickner, who regularly trumpet declarations of suicide through Peace. There will be no peace because the "poor Palestinians" do not wish peace. They wish "Palestine". All of it. And that includes Israel. So let us not delude ourselves and let us not believe in delusions. The great Rebbe of Kutzk once said: "It is a sin to deceive one's neighbor. It is a crime to deceive oneself." Wishing peace, yearning for peace does not mandate committing suicide for peace. And for all those who cry that Israel has been fighting for 40 years, let it be stated flatly that the Jewish people have been fighting for 4,000 years and had our forefathers been as depressed as some of their present-day children, we would have been long since gone as a people. Cease the weeping and wailing! We have a state of our own and it can be a glorious one and let us give thanks to the Almighty for it. And let us understand clearly that a state is not given on a silver platter; neither is it won by writing a check. A state is a precious thing that is won by sacrifice and blood, and if there are those who are not prepared for this, let them walk away and leave it to those who are – unafraid, who have both faith in G-d and the willingness to climb the ramparts in battle. We are weary? We are weary of having to serve in the army each year to defend our state? How much would a Jew in Auschwitz have given for the opportunity to see a Jewish army, a Jewish tank, a Jewish plane – and with what joy he would have agreed to serve each year in a Jewish army of a Jewish State, created so as to help guarantee that never again will there be an Auschwitz for its Jewish citizens! Peace? Of course, we want peace. Who does not want peace? It is not the monopoly of the guilt-ridden and self-hating hypocrites, the artists and intellectuals (sic) of the left. We all wish peace; we all fervently pray for peace. We all look for the day when the nations shall beat their swords into plowshares. But, meanwhile, as they continue to have swords with which to destroy us, let us not be so mad as to wave plowshares. Give up land. For "peace" that the "poor Palestinian" is prepared to grant us? The ultimate peace of the dead? Are we mad? The ones who launched four wars of aggression against Israel and lost for wars of aggression, dictate terms to us? The ones who launched four wars of aggression and a thousand terrorist attacks, who slew thousands of Jews, and who lost – now present us with demands? They insist that we, who won, give up land? Let the Arab aggressors and murderers learn a very basic rule of life: Losers lose. Winners win. Losers and especially losers who launched wars of murderous aggression, do not dictate terms. Aggression is not a game in which one attempts to wipe out innocent people, loses and then returns to "Go". No, aggression is a gamble and if the aggressor loses – let him know the full bitterness of his reality – that he has lost. Then, perhaps, he will think deeply and carefully before embarking on another adventure. For let the "poor Palestinian" know in every fiber of his body, that he had best leave well enough alone. Let him accept a peace that will see him establish a state of his own in Jordan, if he can do it. For should he be so foolish as to begin another murderous war of aggression, let him be certain that that which he still possesses in Jordan will be ours too. Land for peace? By all means. The Jews who were the victims of countless efforts to destroy them and who are the rightful owners, will keep the land and be prepared to graciously give the murderous Arabs, peace. And above all, no guilt! What causes a Jewish people that has suffered thousands of dead and tens of thousands of wounded and maimed at the hands of the Arabs, fail to understand that they are a cruel and implacable enemy, bent on destroying Israel and decimating the Jews? What causes Jews who see the brutality and treachery and viciousness with which Arabs massacre each other, refuse to see what our fate would be if we would be so mad as to give them the slightest opportunity to do to us what they dream to do to us? Above all, what makes a Jewish people that have only one land and has returned to that land, to feel guilty over it and to accept the myth of a "Palestine" and a "Palestinian people?" There is no Palestinian people and there is no Palestine! There is not, there never was, and please G-d there will never be.

See you tomorrow bli neder

Love Yehuda Lave

Rabbi Yehuda Lave

PO Box 7335, Rehavia Jerusalem 9107202

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