RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FARMING JOKES OF THE WEEK IT’S A GOOD THING THIS FIRST JOKE IS ABOUT A CHURCH AND NOT A SHUL… A farmer moved into town. After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church." "But I am but a humble farmer with no better clothes than these. What shall I do?" "Pray to God" the priest replied. "He will tell you what to do." The next week the farmer came back to church wearing different clothes, but they were no better than the other set of clothes he had on before. The priest interrupted the service to berate the farmer. "Didn't I tell you to ask God what to wear to come here?" "Yes sir you did." "And did you do that?" "Yes sir I did." "And what did God tell you to wear?" "Well to be honest father, he didn't know. He said he's never been in this church before." What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and Israel's Attorney General are arguing over whose career is the best. "I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon. "What makes you say that?" asked the farmer. "Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve." "You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created Adam, he planted a garden for Adam to live in. That makes agriculture the oldest career." "Both of you are wrong," said the engineer. "Engineering is the oldest career because God created an entire universe out of nothing but pure chaos." "Ha ha! I win!" taunted the Israeli Attorney General. "What makes you say that?" asked the surgeon. "Well," said the AG, "someone had to create that pure chaos." If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes. Frank the farmer had a nagging wife She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing. One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly. At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, "Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?" Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, "Is that donkey for sale?” A degree in agriculture is great to have. It allows you to work in a variety of fields. Ben Gurion, Israel's first Prime Minister went to a kibbutz and spoke with the head of the Socialist Israeli Kibbutz, Dudu, about their dedication to the new State. Dudu: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know." BG: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: "I'm a farmer." BG: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes. BG turns Dudu with a smile. But he does not look convinced. BG asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?" Immediate yes from the kibbutznik. Dudu then asks if he may asks a question. BG agrees. Dudu "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government." Kibbutznik: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that." BG is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?" Kibbutznik: "I actually have two cows." A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket. The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing. The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies." The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying." The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses." The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's behind?" The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing." The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then." The farmer adds, "But it's hard to fool those circle flies." An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck. He rushes to the phone and calls 911 "I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!" "OK sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour." "An hour?! But they'll be long gone by then!" "I'm sorry sir but there are no officers in your area." The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again. "Hi, it's me again. Don't worry about sending those cops, I've just shot the robbers." and he hangs up. Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested. The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea. "What's going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!" "You said there were no officers in my area." A Muslim and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the Muslim to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. |
