RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE TRAFFIC JOKES OF THE WEEK A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!" "Well," says the man, "the signs say I40." "That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit." Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks. "Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always like that when we come off Hwy I170 I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "FREE PALESTINE" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and took off before the lights changed. Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself, "man...that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. "What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing. As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Officers funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Rabbi smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork. Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow? He was Russian, and ran a red light. A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce. The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!" The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi." The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!" The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator." Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!" The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!" The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!" Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce. The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly. The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?! A huge traffic jam appeared on the highway of Tehran. Most people got out of their cars to see what’s going on. In the distance they spotted a man holding a donation box. As the man was walking from car to car he got stopped by one upset driver. The driver proceeded to ask him “what’s going on? Why are we being stopped here for hours already?” The man trying to explain says “well the Ayatollah got kidnapped and the kidnappers are asking for 10 million or they’re going to cover him in fuel and set him on fire.” The driver obviously shocked asks “well are the people giving something?” And the man says “ yeah they do. Like 5,6… liters.. A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times." A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”, the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine. No congestion for hours! A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by A chicken walks up and says, "don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it." Why do traffic lights turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street! While driving to work this morning I rear-ended a car at a traffic light. When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf. He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'. So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?' What does a cop with Alzheimer's always say at routines traffic stops, “Do you know why I pulled you over???”. ( I gotta have at least one each week that I probably shouldn't have put out there…) I was sitting in traffic the other day . Probably why I got run over- the yeshiva bachur said…
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