RABBI SCHWARTZ'S FUNNY NEW YEARS JOKES OF THE WEEK "My New Year's resolution for 2023? I will be less laz."— Jim Gaffigan
"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution."— Jay Leno NEW YEARS PRAYER FOR THE ELDERLY God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. DIETING NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2019: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds. 2020: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds. 2021: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2022: I will work out 3 days a week. 2023: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week. "New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." -Mark Twain Cindy was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?' 'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Cindy and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
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