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RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE BIRD JOKES OF THE WEEK
Leah walks into a pet shop and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is there any particular one you’re after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt (money) for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I’ve got the very one," says Hymie, "I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing. I’ll get it for you."
Hymie brings the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What mazel (luck) - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts out, "Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me, or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies, "Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
To tag birds migrating, the U.S. Department of the Interior used metal bands that bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from a camper:
Dear Sirs,
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.
Moishe received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't were very rude.
Moishie tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things and playing soft music anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. When he shook the bird, it got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Moishie put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, Moishie quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Moishie was astounded at the bird's change in attitude. Before he could ask what changed him, the parrot said, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What bird doesn’t need a comb? bald eagles
Q: When does a teacher carry birdseed? A: When there is a parrot-teacher conference!
Q: What is a polygon? A: A dead parrot!
Q: What kind of bird works at a construction site? A: The crane!
Q: Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? A: Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk!
Q: What did the sick chicken say? A: Oh no! I have the people-pox!
Q: What do you call a funny chicken? A: A comedi-hen
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