| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE DRUNK JOKES OF THE WEEK A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks annoyed, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple." From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn't stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. "Stan, do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Rabbi." The Rabbi said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Rabbi," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the Rabbi. Then Rabbi Epstein walked up to Chaim Yankel Rabbinowitz and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Chaim Yankel said, "No, I don't Rabbi." The Rabbi was in disbelief, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" Chaim Yankel said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over.
"Alright," says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. "Walk on the white line." "I'd be happy to," says the drunk "just stop moving the line." On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, in the midst of the French Revolution, the revolting citizens lead a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well. Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..." A California state trooper pulls over a car and walks over to the driver. "Today's your lucky day." he says. "We have a program to promote seatbelt use. I pulled you over because you were wearing your seatbelt. You will receive a reward of $5,000. So, what are you going to do with the money?
The man thinks for a moment and answers, "I think the first thing I will do is go out and get a drivers license." His wife in the front passenger seat screams out, "Oh for goodness sake, officer don't listen to him, he always talks nonsense when he's drunk." The commotion wakes up their friend in the back seat. He sees the officer and screams to the couple, "I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." And then there is a banging from the trunk followed by a voice, "Ay amigos, did we cross the border yet?" Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel." Isaac responds proudly, "I am!" Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?" Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem." Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?" Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city" Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?" Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University." Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984." Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also." About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again." A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he's all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar.
The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get." What did they call the arab dairy farmer who became the chief? A milk sheikh
Who is the strongest Arab in the world? The Protein Sheikh A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward." The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up. "We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools." | 
