RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE DOG JOKES OF THE WEEK
Where do dogs go when they need a new tail? A re-tail store.
What do you call a sad dog? A Melan-Collie.
What do you call a sadder dog ? A Chi-Waah-Waah.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out. (oyyyy…)
Moishe is trying to convince Berel how smart his dog is. "Pretend to shoot it," he says.
Berel points his fingers at the dog and says "Bang!" The dog does nothing.
"See," says Moshie, "He knew you were only pretending."
1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay OFF the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Izzy and Yankel were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.
"You smell that?" Yankel asked.
Izzy replied, "the heck I do, let's find where it's coming from!".
After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Izzy said "let's get something to eat!"
They both were hungry but Yankel reminded him that they couldn't enter with their dogs! So Izzy said "It's cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door
"No dogs allowed sir!"
Izzy insisted "oh it's my seeing eye dog let me in"
"It is? But that's a dachshund !"
"Yes they're using them now because of their amazing sense of smell"
"Very well come in."
Yankel puts on shades and also stopped before entering
"No dogs allowed sir!" the waiter yelled
"Oh please forgive me, it's my seeing eye dog" Yankel apologized.
"A chihuahua?!!!" the waiter shouted
"what??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Old Mrs. Shpeilman lived alone except for her dog and her bird. One day, Mrs. Shpeilman's dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to spend the day at her daughter's house the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
"By the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Shpeilman's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
"Moishie, where's your homework?" Miss Feinman said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Moishie, I've been a teacher in this Talmud Torah for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Feinman, I promise" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas (ritual custodian) comes up to him and says, "Pardon me sir, but this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here!"
"What do you mean?" says the man. "This is a Jewish dog. Look."
The shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck this dog has a tallis bag (prayer shawl) around its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "kipah!"
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipah and puts it on his head.
"Rover," says the man, "tallis!"
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!"
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a prayer book and starts to pray.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely incredible! You should take him to Hollywood. Get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make you millions!!
"You talk to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."
The Rosenberg family dog had been deaf and blind for years. When she started to suffer painful tumors, it was time to put her down. Mrs. Rosenberg gently tried to explain this to her seven-year-old son Moishie, who was taking this all pretty hard. Moishie asked if "Jazzy" would go to heaven.
"Well I'm not 100 percent sure that dogs go to heaven," said Mrs. Rosenberg, "But if they do, then I'm sure she would be healthy again and able to do her favorite thing: chase squirrels."
Moishie thought about that for a minute, then said, "So dog heaven must be the same as squirrel hell."
Abe and Irv were neighbors in a Florida retirement community, and both proud pet owners.
"My dog is so smart," Abe bragged, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He brings the kid his tip and then brings me the paper, along with my morning medicine."
"I know," said Irv.
"How could you know?" asked Abe.
"Because my dog told me."
A rabbi was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the rabbi was taken aback. "
You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the rabbi was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "
All right, give him the dog."
A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.
So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
"Oh, my gosh, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?"
Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a cocker spaniel. They're common dogs. There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference."
They bring the woman the other dog but she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?"
To which she responds, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."
A guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. He tells the bartender, "I got a Jewish dog named Moishe. He's so smart he actually talks. Can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal," replied the bartender, "but if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, well, let's just say you don't wanna find out.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay, Moishe. Tell me – what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay, Moishe. Tell me – how does sandpaper feel?''
''What the heck you tryin' to pull, mister?'' said the bartender.
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question. Okay, Moishe, tell me – who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
The bartender had enough and picked up the guy and his dog and threw them onto the sidewalk outside of the bar.
Moishe stands up and looks at his owner. "Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Little Moishie Epstein's dog Benji was sick and the boy was afraid that his dad would come back from the bet with bad news As his dad stepped through the door with Benji in his carrier, Moishie rushed to find out what the vet had said.
"I'm afraid it's not good news, son," said his father. "The vet thinks Benji's only got another three weeks or so to live."
Hearing this, Moishie burst into tears.
"But Benji wouldn't want you to be sad," said the father, putting a comforting arm around Moishie's shoulder. "He'd want you to remember all the good times you had together."
Moishie rubbed his eyes. "Can we give Benji a funeral?"
"Sure we can," said his father.
"Can I invite all my friends?"
"Of course you can."
"And can we have cake and ice-cream?"
"Sure, you can have whatever you want."
"Dad," said Moishie, "can we kill Benji today?"