| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S BUS JOKES OF THE WEEK So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like." "Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends. "What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts. A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat. After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts. I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?" "Because we've got no teeth", she replied. "Then why do you buy them?", I asked. "Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them." I was crossing the street right next to some freaky dressed Free Palestine button wearing college student in Kafyia when suddenly a bus swerved over and ran him over. As I got up and picked myself up I thought to myself, "Wow! That could have been me!" Then I remembered I can't drive a bus. Two blondes are standing at a bus stop. One asks the other: "Which bus are you taking?" "Number 1. And you?" "Two." The bus with the number 12 pulls up and one of them says to the other: "Look, we're going together!" A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken. A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness. Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bruises. "What's the matter?" asked the man's wife. "I lost my job as a bus driver So Achmed answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, sir," the officer says, "but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus." The man replies, "Yeah, but she's got a great personality." A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly. She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you! So a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway near my house... Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals. A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father..."Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!" The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!" Yankel is sitting on the bus and sitting opposite him is a man trying to bite into an apple. "What's the matter?" asks Yankel. "I left my false teeth at home", the man replies. Yankel puts his hand in his pocket, "Here, try these", and hands him a set of false teeth. "Thanks, but they're too big". Yankel hands him another set, "Try these". "Perfect", says the man. "It's incredible that on the day I leave my false teeth at home, I sit on the bus opposite a dentist". "I'm not a dentist", says Yankel, "I work for the chevra Kadisha in a funeral parlor". I went for my interview to be an Egged bus driver. I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired" | 
