|
RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MAFIA GODFATHER JOKES OF THE WEEK
Leo, the Mafia Godfather, is Robbed by his Arab chauffer and driver while he is vacationing in Dubai. Once he figures out who stole the money he needs to hire a translator in order to properly communicate and find out where he hid the money. He finds an Israeli former Mossad agent, Ami, staying there in the hotel and invites him in to translate and get the truth out of this guy. Leo: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money? Ami: He said he didn't do it. Leo: Tell him to stop lying and tell me how much he stole. Ami: He says it was around $250,000. Leo: Lies. Way more. Ami: Okay he now claims it was $2.5m but he buried them in a place you'll never find. Leo: I've had about enough! Where is my money! (Silence) Leo: Very well then. Tell him that if he doesn't tell me the exact location I will put a bullet in his head and go after his entire family. Ami delivers the message. Achmed the chauffer is now scared and decides it is best he tells him where the money is; so he does. Leo: So what did he say? Ami: He says that you're a gutless pig. An Israeli man is kidnapped by the mafia who want him to tell them where his company's money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won't tell them a single word. After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn't going to be of any use to them, so they kill him. At the gates of heaven, god asks him why he didn't just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had. Dudu responds, "How could I? Those rascals had tied up my hands!" What kind of coffee does The Godfather drink in the morning? An alpuccino Little Guido come to visit his godfather at the end of school year with his report card and shows it to him proudly with his parents. The report card states that he got a History A Math A+ Science A+ Literature A Geography B+ The godfather pinches his cheek gently and caresses his face and the grabs a gun and shots him in the head. The mother shocked and in tears asks: "why did you shoot him?!" The Godfather answers: "he knew too much" Where does the Italian mafia live? In the spaghetto Yankel joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather. One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter." The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew. But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi." Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy's car to be rusting. Chemist: I'm listening. Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant. My best friend Jay had twin girls. But unfortunately he died on the way to the hospital and his wife died during labor. I was asked to be their godfather and I wanted to honor him so I named the girls after him. Kay and Elle. They say that mafia members are nasty people, but but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy. In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car. The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation. No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering. I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such. I was involved in very organized crime What is the difference between the IRS and the Mafia? The Mafia at least gives you protection when you pay. The Mafia boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker. Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim. I had a meet with the Godfather of the Chinese mafia earlier...He made me an offer I couldn't understand.
| 
