| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MOMMY JOKES OF THE WEEK Son: "Mom, can I have $20?" Mom: "Does it look like I am made of money?" Son: "Well, isn't that what M-O-M stands for?" "It's spicy" is a universal mom code for "I don't want to share. When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor." What three words solve Dad's every problem? Ask your mother. My nickname is Mom. But my full name is "Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom." A curious child asked his mother: "Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?" The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: "It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!" The child replied innocently: "Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head." Kid: "What's a man?" Dad: "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." Kid: "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!" Before having kids, every mom thinks she'll be a super-chill mom. That's because, at that point, we had no idea they'd break all our stuff, make ridiculous demands, and take roughly 10 years to get out of the car What did baby corn ask mommy corn? Where is pop corn? What did the lazy child say to his mom on Mother's Day when she was about to do the dishes? "Relax Mom… you can just do them in the morning." The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?" "Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head." Satisfied, the child goes away. Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?" "Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head." The little girl smiles and goes on her way. A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?" The mother says: "Be quiet, Refrigerator." Here's a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy? A mistake What did the daddy fire say to the mommy fire when their child graduated? "That's ar-son" Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious. What did the mommy spider say to the Baby spider? You spend too much time on the web. I hate when I'm waiting for mom to cook dinner, and then I remember I am the mom, and I have to cook dinner. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious There is a legend that if you take a shower and scream "Mom!!!" three times, a nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.. When your mom's voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed. Son: "Mom, what's a weekend?" Mom: "I don't know, sweetheart, I haven't had one since you were born." Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist? Because they also have eyes in the back of their head. You know you're a mom when you say I'm going to donate these bags of clothes to Goodwill. But first, I'm going to drive around with them in my trunk for four months You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold. You know you're a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn't only normal, but necessary. Mom's recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold. What do you call a mom who can't draw? Tracy. 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes. I would write a book about parenting, but it would just be filled with rants about doing everything myself. And cocktail recipes. Mother to son: "I'm warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me!" | 
