RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE BROTHER JOKES OF THE WEEK A birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee. I met a few of his cousins too; The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee. The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee. The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee. The one who is so sure of himself, Definite Lee. The one you can always predict, Usual Lee. The one whose always smiling, Happy Lee. The one in disgrace, Shameful Lee. The one that isn't very good looking, Ug Lee AND, The one who likes perfection, Exact Lee In short, I met the whole Fama Lee. I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party. So my twin brother called me from prison, He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences? My brother was murdered today Cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up. me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese. Cop: you're sure? Me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces. I got the new Iphone for my brother. Best trade ever. I once told someone I had a half brother. They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Neither, there was a shark attack” My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals. He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids. But I laugh more. There were two brothers who lived in the country. One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs. The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out of the office jumping for joy yelling "hoo wee! I got a job!" The second brother was so happy and excited for what he would get. He enters the office and the interviewer asks him what his skills are. "Well" he says, "I can cut and split wood like crazy" The interviewer looks at him and says "Hmm, well it's going to be hard to find a job in this city with those skills. Everything in the city is steel and concrete, we don't have much use for a wood cutter" Disheartened, the second brother says "but my brother was just in here and he got a job" The interviewer says, "yes but he says he can pilot, and that's a valuable skill" The brother sits up in his chair and says, "that may be so, but he can't pile'it 'till I cut it" After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said, as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."… My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side. I picked the top half.
|
