RABBI SCHWARTZ'S CREATION JOKES OF THE WEEK Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord. "What's the matter, Adam?" Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who keeps on wanting me to get into trouble. And since you won't let me go near the Tree of Knowledge, I don't know how to cook, and meals of raw berries and nuts are not very good.." The Lord thought about this for a few minutes and then said: "I have it! I will create WOMAN for you!" Adam was intrigued, and asked "What is WOMAN?" The Lord explained: "She will bear and raise your children with no complaint. She will cook you delicious meals that satisfy you and will never ask you to help with the preparation or with the cleaning up afterwards. Should there ever be any cause for misunderstanding or dispute between you and her, she will address the issue directly and work with you towards resolving it, never resorting to sulking or artificial silence, hinting or any other form of subterfuge. She will be the perfect helpmate for you." Adam reflected on this. "Sounds great! But... what is all this going to cost me?" The Lord responded: "An arm and a leg." Adam thought about this for a while. Then he said: "Err... what can I get for a rib?" A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars." "Correct, Watson, and what do you conclude from that?" Watson thinks for a moment and then answers: "Well, temporally I conclude it is about 03:30 AM, astrologically I conclude that Venus is showing in the sign of Aquarius, astronomically I conclude that we are on a planet, orbiting the sun in a spiral arm of our galaxy, and religiously I conclude that God wants to show us with this splendour that we are but a small, insignificant speck of dust in the infinite grace of His creation. Why, Holmes? What do you mean?" "Watson... somebody stole our tent." When God created the world, he also created the dog, the monkey, and the cow. Told through the eyes of the dog, the monkey, and the cow, and their conversations with God during creation, life is explained simply. God Created the Dog.On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed with the dog. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, Do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed with the monkey. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation what is this? "its human" "what is that 2 round thing? "it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations" and this thing? "it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did" and this? "it's toe, for the furniture" what furniture? "trust me, it will be hilarious"
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