Friday, June 24, 2016

A few good jokes to make you laugh

Rabbi Yehuda Lave

Admit Your Mistakes

Don't defend an error when you know you are wrong. Most often you can't fool others. And you can never fool yourself.

Love Yehuda Lave



The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 


  1. Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and the back end of a donkey

    3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

  2. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sexual relations

    7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit   and the person who doesn't get it. 

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

  3. Decafalon(n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

  4. Glibido: All talk and no action. 

    14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

  5. Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

  6. Caterpallor(n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 

    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners were:

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 

    6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 

    12.. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 

    13. Pokem, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 

    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Hebron Jewish Community and Biblical Heritage Site7 hrs ·

It is with tremendous sorrow that we mourn the passing of Dr. Irving (Yitzchak) Moskowitz, Jewish philanthropist, lover of Israel, pioneer for his nation.

Dr. Moskowitz was a great supporter of Jewish settlement in all parts of the Land of Israel, and was an invaluable friend to the Jews of Hebron and eastern Jerusalem - some called him the Sir Moses Montefiore of our time.

We extend our deepest sympathies and condolences to his dedicated wife Cherna and to his 8 children and many grandchildren. May they be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Monkey loves dog

What if your dog could talk? Would it be interesting?



Kahane on the Parsha
Rabbi Binyamin Kahane- Parshat Beha'alotcha



As national catastrophe hovers over us, many religious Jews are beginning to understand (better late than never) the fatal mistake they made all these years in not thinking big when it came to national politics. The most they ever desired was membership in the coalitions of various governments, Right, and Left. They never went for all the marbles -- that is, to grab hold of the reins of leadership and lead the Jewish people. Only now, as the country is disintegrating, are they finally realizing that they must step up and offer the people an entirely different path -- a Jewish path -- if Israel is to survive.

And so, the time has come to ask: What are the characteristics of a true Jewish leader???
The answer to this question is in our parsha, which discusses the very first Sanhedrin in Jewish history. Moses had reached his breaking point and told G-d, "I can't carry the burden of this people alone, for it is too heavy for me" (Numbers 11:14). Whereupon G-d told him to find 70 elders to help him. But whom to choose? How does one select 70 leaders? After all, there was no shortage of righteous and talented Jews around.

G-d, however, immediately singled out a specific group: the officers of the Children of Israel in Egypt. Who in the world were these officers and why did they deserve to lead the Jewish people? In Parshat Shemot, Pharaoh lays down a rather heavy edict on his Jewish slaves. They must produce a specific quota of bricks without even being given straw. The Jewish officers are ordered by the Egyptian taskmasters to see to it that the quota is met. If it isn't the officers will be blamed for the shortage and beaten. The officers, therefore, are in a dilemma: Either they beat their brothers mercilessly and save their own skin, or they disobey orders and suffer the consequences.

How would we expect them to behave? We are all too familiar with the claims of many soldiers and policemen in Israel today: "Nu, What can I do? I'm just a small screw in a big machine. I'm just following orders." We might expect the Jewish officers in Egypt to similarly rationalize, "Yes, we are with you. The edict is cruel. But, nu. what can we do? We are just following orders." But that is NOT what the Jewish officers say to their brothers in Egypt!!!
The officers recognize the cruelty of the decree and refuse to obey it! And they suffer the consequences: "The Jewish officers were beaten in place of the people as they were unwilling to turn them over to the taskmasters. They said, 'It is better that we be hit and not let the rest of the people falter'" (Tanchuma, Beha'alotcha 13).

THESE were the people chosen by G-d to lead the Jewish people. They weren't necessarily the most scholarly Jews. However, their hearts burned with Ahavat Yisrael. They did not merely pay lip service to the concept of Ahavat Yisrael. They were genuinely ready to suffer for their brothers.
Darka Shel Torah, 1995

Huckabee: Hillary Clinton Would Be a Disaster for Israel

» Huckabee: Hillary Clinton Would Be a Disaster for Israel By: David Israel Published: June 16th, 2016


Gov. Mike Huckabee at the Herzliya Conference / Screenshot

"Hillary Clinton will be a disaster for Israel," former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee told Walla on the sidelines of the 2016 Herzliya Conference Wednesday. Huckabee, an early dropout in the GOP presidential race, suggested Clinton would continue President Obama's policy regarding Israel. "And I don't think anyone would say that Israel-US relations have been good under his leadership over the last eight years," he commented.

In his address to the conference, Gov. Huckabee said that "every friend of Israel is a friend of the United States and every enemy of Israel is an Enemy of the United States." He also suggested that "America is looking into the mirror and sees Israel."

Huckabee noted that the greatest common foe facing Israel, the US and the free world was "radical Islamic ideology that takes us back to the 7th century." He then reiterated: "We have a common enemy and that enemy is radical Islam that wishes to destroy civilization itself and wishes to turn the clock back to centuries ago."

Mentioning the past week's two acts of terror, one killing four in Tel Aviv, followed by the mass shooting in Orlando, Fl. that killed 49, Huckabee said that the argument about whether the Orlando shooting was a terror attack or hate crime is "ridiculous. All terror is based on hate." He said that he feared that sometimes people were afraid "to call out the common enemy of radical Islam in case we offend someone," but went on to state that he was offended when "innocent people were murdered in the name of an ideology that wishes to destroy all semblance of peace."

He referred to the "Ill-fated and tragic deal to trust the Iranians," saying that "here can be no deal with those who believe its okay to murder people" because of their race, religion or ethnicity. "It's impossible to enter into any agreement with the present leadership of Iran… I hope and pray that it will be rescinded."

Focusing on the Israeli-Arab conflict and the talks about a two-state solution, Huckabee said that the idea is na├»ve and cannot be realized "unless both sides agree that the other side has a fundamental right to exist." He said that until there were no longer schools in Judea, Samaria and Gaza celebrating the death of Jews, there could be no solution. He added that there was no magical formula for the issues but that the basic issue of radical Islam and one people wanting to destroy another and celebrating every time someone on the other side was killed had to be solved first. "This is not a conflict about land, or about power, but about existence," he asserted.

"Neither Israel nor the United States is perfect but we do have a system of laws that we insist are abided by… we do not name streets after or make heroes out of terrorists."

Huckabee also focused on the issue of Jerusalem, saying that "the notion that Jerusalem should be divided is nonsense…. Only one nation in the world every claimed it as its capital… it is never even mentioned in the Quran… At some point we have to come to grips that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel, not because it has been since 1948 but because it has been for 3000 years and it has to be accepted."

Returning to his original point, Huckabee concluded, "We have to recognize that if it's good for Israel then it's ultimately good for the United States and if it's good for the United States then it's ultimately good for Israel… the similarities between the two countries are just too glaring to ignore… our alliance is too precious."

He said that Israel's sovereignty, safety and security had to be protected because Israel was just the first "domino" and the United States would follow. "Anyone who comes after you is after us next," Huckabee said.