| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE ALIYA JOKES OF THE WEEK Abe was visiting Israel for the first time. as soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel. the taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information. then Abe asks the driver, "Say, is Israel a healthy place?" "Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered, "when I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, i had hardly any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room and I even had to be helped out of bed every day." "that's a remarkable story, truly amazing," Abe said, "so how long have you been here in Israel?" "I was born here." David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as he settles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician. "I'm having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?" The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Can you read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks. "No," replies David. "So how about the next line up?" asks the optician. Squinting, David replies, "No, I still can't read them." "OK," says the optician, "let's start at the top line. Read out the letters please." "But I can't," says David. "Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician. "Certainly not," replies David, "it's just that I've never learned to read Hebrew." When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open your case at once." Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin. "What is that?" he shouted at Jacob. Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind." The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you." When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!" Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?" asked the officer. Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me." The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you." When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew. Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold." And for the one that didn't yet make Aliya… Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family. "But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks. "Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother. "Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher." Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?" | 
