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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S REALLY TERRIBLE MURDERING JOKES OF THE WEEK
Berel was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years. Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage". "Well, your honor" answered Berel "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..." Murdering people is not what gets you jail time. Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time. I've got to stop murdering elderly nuns. Old habits die hard. I've been charged with murdering a man with sandpaper. But, to be honest, I just intended to rough him up a bit. Tommy is in court for murder. His Jewish defense lawyer Chaim is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court "In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed". Chaim counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens. " Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that ther is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty." The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the Chaim. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't." Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced. One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, I wouldn't do one thing different!" So Caesar said, "You will be put into the Colosseum, where you will be forced to do battle with men and vicious beasts. The people of Rome will delight in the spectacle of your death." And the tribunes heard and nodded at one another in agreement; for they could think of no more fitting a punishment. Because, after all, he was glad 'e ate 'er. My wife and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
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