| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE JEWISH MOTHER JOKES OF THE WEEK LESSONS MY JEWISH MOTHER TAUGHT ME My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" During a regular early morning shul service, Rabbi Levy couldn't help noticing 21 year old Benny sitting at the back of the shul looking very sad. He had his head in his hands. So at a convenient moment, Rabbi Levy goes over to him and asks, "What's wrong, Benny? Tell me. Maybe I can help." "Oh rabbi," replies Benny, "I just don't know what to do. Every time I bring a girl home to introduce her to my parents, no matter how wonderful the girl is, my mother always tells me that she does not like her at all." "I've heard this story many times before," says Rabbi Levy, "but you'll be pleased to hear that I have a tried and tested solution for you. Next time you choose a girl, make sure she not only looks just like your mother, but also talks like your mother, laughs like your mother, cooks like your mother, and dresses like your mother. Believe me, Benny, if you find such a girl, your mother will absolutely love her." Many weeks go by before Benny finds someone just like his mother. And not only that, but the girl very quickly falls madly in love with him. So Benny invites her to meet his parents and this time is feeling very optimistic that all will go well. At the next shul service, Rabbi Levy notices that Benny is once again sitting at the back of the shul looking unbelievably unhappy. So once again, during a break in the service, Rabbi Levy goes over to Benny. "What's wrong Benny?" asks Rabbi Levy. "Couldn't you find someone like your mother?" "Rabbi," replies Benny, "miraculously, I found a girl just like my Mom. Not only did she look just like Mom, but she also talked like Mom, laughed like Mom, cooked like Mom, and dressed like Mom." "So everything should have worked out okay for you," says Rabbi Levy. "No, rabbi, it didn't," replies Benny. "My father didn't like her." As a fundraiser the local Hebrew School decided to hold a talent show for the community. The night of the show finally arrived and the auditorium was packed with community people. Judy Goldberg looked on her as her pride and joy Chezky was playing piano and singing his beautiful composed Ani Maamin. During her performance she noticed a man in the audience clearly moved and crying. After the show she walks over to him and says "isn't it touching that the younger generation is carrying on our tradition?" The man says "I don't know I'm not Jewish". "So why were you crying?" she asks him. "Oh that's because I am a musician" A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The son reassures his nervous father that there is nothing to worry about. It's a simple procedure that he has done many times before. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice." "Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped Bernie, " would my mother would send me out on a night like this?" A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons. A passerby asks her how old the boys are. "The doctor is three," the mother answers, "and the lawyer is two."
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