GOOD MORNING! What does a person want out of life? People want love, riches, happiness, meaning. And when people get older they like to remind you, "If you have your health, you have everything." Whatever a person wants out of life, one of the essentials is the ability to have peace and make peace with others.
King David wrote in Psalm 34, "Seek peace and pursue it." Unlike other mitzvot, commandments, that are commanded when you happen into the circumstance, seeking peace requires us to be proactive. The great sage Hillel taught, "Be a disciple of Aharon - love peace and pursue peace, love people and draw them near to the Torah" (Pirkei Avos 1:12).
Whenever Aharon heard that two people were involved in a quarrel, he would go to one of them and tell him that he had recently met his friend and had heard him say, "The quarrel was my fault, and I bitterly regret it." Aharon would then go to the second person and tell him the same fabricated story. When the two people would meet again, they would hug one another and be friends. For this reason, the entire nation wept when Aharon died (Avos D'Reb Noson 12:3).
In dealing with the key to family harmony (Shalom Bayis in Hebrew), : People are filled with resentment as a result of a sense of entitlement and expectation that their spouse will give to them. Love is based on giving to the other person and not having expectations of receiving (we don't have expectations that our children will give to us - or even appreciate what we give them). Expectations are the source of most misery. Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler once wrote, "When demands begin, love departs." Rabbi Dessler would tell newly married couples at their wedding, "Make sure, my dear ones, that you always desire to give happiness and pleasure to one another, as you feel at this time. And know, that the moment that you start making demands from each other - behold, your happiness has already left you."
" 'Giving in' is not about being selfless, but about being sensible. You can be right or you can be happy. You can't always be both." A man shared with me that he stopped trying to win every discussion with his wife when he realized that if he won that meant that his wife lost - and he didn't want to be married to a loser!
In short: Disagreements are natural in marriage. You need to communicate before they become resentments (resentments are frozen anger). Your spouse is not a mind reader. Make sure you're not projecting your own faults; correct your faults and the problem will likely go away. Those who seek to educate, improve and refine their spouse through criticism, labor under a false and destructive impression. He then shows you how to create the atmosphere and means of communicating in harmony - wait 24 hours, pick your time, keep a soft and kind voice, express appreciation and gratitude first.
The Zohar teaches, "God is peace, His name is peace and all is bound together in peace." If you'd like to sharpen your peace making skills, lead a happier life and help others to have happier relationships.
Love Yehuda
Next adventure in my New York Trip
